Where have I been all my life?

Yes, I know. It’s been a while. A long while. I didn't mean to stop writing, really. It just sort of happened. Each day of my life has become a blank page that I stare at and hope something materializes. This must be what "writer's block" is. Except that it isn't just my writing that has suffered. Maybe I have "personality block". The condition of being unable to think of what to do or how to proceed with doing anything at all.

There's been a lot of ebbing and not much flowing these days. I guess I could just do the update thing and spew the contents of my life onto my blog. But how boring is that? I'm sure people don't want to read about my bathroom remodel, the multitude of band concerts or the weeks worth of laundry piling up around me. Heck - I don't even want to write about it!

However, I do have some things weighing heavily on my mind lately. I may have the courage to talk about them soon, but it's going to be hard. It's a silence that has been begging to be broken for so long. I can't ignore it much longer and I'm wondering if this is the reason that my life feels stalled. But I do know that a transformation is going to be necessary for me to move on and reclaim my happiness. A "mighty change of heart" so to speak. Or at least a change in perspective. It used to be that when I needed a change I would impulsively decide to paint the walls or rearrange the furniture in the entire house, but I have a feeling that this time that won't be enough. I need a revolution.

Whatever I do, my choices must be based on hope and not fear or shame, as I have so often done in the past. Of course that is easier to say than do and there is a part of me that is giving up before I even start, but I need to let myself be vulnerable before I can obtain the joyful life that I have been so desperately seeking.

I read an article a few weeks ago written by a wise woman named Brene Brown. She talks a lot about being authentic and having the courage to let ourselves be seen. She has given me a lot of perspective, but there is one thing she said that has been playing on repeat in my head:

"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

So I will embrace my imperfections, own my story and know that at the end of the day, I am enough.

Nathan just keepin' it real

Nate just returned from home teaching and was complaining that they were gone for over two hours, but only saw three families. I told him that sometimes people just need someone to talk to, to which he replied,

"I thought that's why you get married."

Ha!

Wisdom

If you don't have something nice to say...

...then don't say anything at all.

So I haven't been saying much on this blog, because let's face it...reading about my pitiful struggles and first world problems is kind of a downer. But I'm not gonna lie; this past month has been rough. So I took a short leave of absence from life these past few weeks and I have only recently started to take baby steps in a positive direction. A wise man once told me this:

"Attitude. It will make ya or break ya."

In other words, I am determined to concentrate on the sunny side of life. It's worth a try anyway. I've got to do something to pull myself out of this hole I am digging before it gets too deep.

Here is my list of ten happy thoughts:

1.  Shawn got a new job working as a jail nurse for Salt Lake county. He still works a few days a month in the ER, so between the two jobs he comes home with some pretty interesting stories. I won't share them today, since most of them really don't fit the happy thought description. But the job pays really well and the benefits are awesome, so it totally counts as happy.

2.  Alex graduated from high school and got a job. Need I say more?

3.  Nate had to take a summer school class to make up for some, ahem, less than desirable grades. But he worked hard and finished in just a few weeks. That means no more doom and gloom letters from his school counselor. See? Happy!

4.  Seth turned 13 and grew like a foot taller. He also grew a mustache. I'm not sure exactly when that happened. It just appeared one day along with a voice that sounds a lot like he has a perpetual respiratory infection. Ahhh...the awkward stage begins. I'm not sure why I listed this as a happy thought because it actually scares me to death to watch my kids become teenagers. I guess there is a bright side to this though--he still hugs me and isn't embarrassed to be seen with me in public.

5.  Abby is full of life as always. She keeps my days from getting dull and gets me nice and tired so when I go to bed, I fall asleep quickly. Plus she sometimes crawls into my bed in the middle of the night when Shawn is working and keeps me from getting the heeby jeebies.

6.  My miracle van that I have been driving for ten years literally fell apart a few weeks ago, so I got a new car! IT'S AWESOME! I find that if I ignore the fact that I have a ridiculously high car payment, I still feel happy!

7.  Shawn and I celebrated our 20th anniversary on June 6th. It feels very weird, but a happy sort of weird. I can't help but wonder when I will stop feeling like a kid playing a very long game of house.

8.  I turned 40. Hmmmm. Finding the happy thought there is going to be a little difficult. I'm happy I'm still alive? That'll work.

9. Summer is here, the sun is shining, the sky is blue and I'm not cold! Woo hoo!

10. Okay, one more happy thought. I'm looking forward to spending the rest of this summer with my family. We have two camping trips planned, which I hope will give us some relief from the craziness of life.

Yep. It's official. I'm a happy girl. :)

The fault in our stars

No I haven't read the book. Or seen the movie. I generally try to avoid things that I know are depressing. Life can be hard enough without deliberately exposing myself to unhappiness. The world is a profoundly unjust place. Why are some people dealt such a crappy hand? I will never understand it. But I must make peace with it because it isn't going to change.

I received very sad news today; a dear friend of mine is dying. He will not see his kids graduate high school or get married or have their own children. Life is uncertain and inconsistent, so hug your babies tonight and thank God for what you have. I know I will.

Michael Buble Karaoke -- Abby and Nate remix

I posted a few weeks ago about the time that Abby and I were running errands and Michael Buble's song, "Everything", came on the radio. Abby knows the lyrics to the entire song, with the exception of one line from the second verse:

"And I can't believe,

Oh that I'm your man,

And I get to throw your jacket in the frying pan."

It was so funny that I, of course, had to tell everybody. Today Nate added on to it:

"And I can't believe,
Oh that I'm your man,
And I get to throw your jacket in the frying pan.

Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
Cause you know I'll throw your socks in too."

Oh my.

Catching my breath...

Oh what a whirlwind my life has been the past few months. I seriously do not know how I managed to do it all without landing myself in the hospital. I guess it's because I am slowly learning how to manage my time and just concentrate on what needs to be done next. If I think too much about ALL of the things, then I just get overwhelmed, crawl into bed, put the covers over my head and fall asleep in the fetal position. It's not a very good coping strategy.

I really don't like writing "catch up" posts, but I feel like if I don't do it I will forget the fun times. So here goes:

I'll start with Alex's birthday. He turned 18 and I have to admit I felt a little sad. Life just goes by too fast. Soon he will be off on his own, doing his own thing and I will no longer play a leading role in his life. Ah well....I am excited for him too, though. That kid has a lot going for him; talent, intelligence, humor and not to mention my devastatingly good looks. :)

I love this picture. I can't tell who is more excited about the cake--Alex or Abby?

I can't let October go by without a shout out to one of my favorite holidays. Halloween! This marked the first year in which Abby wanted to be something other than a princess (or a variation of one.) Yay! She picked something scary. Doesn't she look terrifying? Ha!

I think this might be the last year that I get Seth to dress up. Of course he chose David Tennant's Dr. Who, complete with his sonic screwdriver.

Abby turned 7 this year! I swear the time has just flown by. Here she is blowing out her candles and losing her first tooth all on the same day.

This is self-explanatory. I went to school. Got good grades. Decided not to go back. The end. Well...not really "the end" because I plan on writing about the details of that later, but this is just to prove to myself that this actually happened.

Random Mommy and Me pic

Our New Year Celebration at Uncle Fraig's.

This doesn't even come close to being all the things I want to talk about, but it has literally taken every ounce of my energy just to write this post. Ahhhhh! More on that later too. Stay tuned! Part 2 is up next!

Hope

Trying to be positive

Thinking is overrated

Remind me of this fact the next time I decide to do something new with my life. Give me a sleazy paperback and a bag of candy to lure me away from temptation. Because do you know what happens to Megan when she has to use more than 10% of her brain? She turns into evil, irritating, cyborg Megan who is a cross between an angsty teenager and an angry chihuahua. If you ever decide to finish your unfinished business just remember that You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile! Run away! Run far, far away!

Now that you have a visual, I'm assuming I don't need to update you on the status of my life.