Yes, I know. It’s been a while. A long while. I didn't mean to stop writing, really. It just sort of happened. Each day of my life has become a blank page that I stare at and hope something materializes. This must be what "writer's block" is. Except that it isn't just my writing that has suffered. Maybe I have "personality block". The condition of being unable to think of what to do or how to proceed with doing anything at all.
There's been a lot of ebbing and not much flowing these days. I guess I could just do the update thing and spew the contents of my life onto my blog. But how boring is that? I'm sure people don't want to read about my bathroom remodel, the multitude of band concerts or the weeks worth of laundry piling up around me. Heck - I don't even want to write about it!
However, I do have some things weighing heavily on my mind lately. I may have the courage to talk about them soon, but it's going to be hard. It's a silence that has been begging to be broken for so long. I can't ignore it much longer and I'm wondering if this is the reason that my life feels stalled. But I do know that a transformation is going to be necessary for me to move on and reclaim my happiness. A "mighty change of heart" so to speak. Or at least a change in perspective. It used to be that when I needed a change I would impulsively decide to paint the walls or rearrange the furniture in the entire house, but I have a feeling that this time that won't be enough. I need a revolution.
Whatever I do, my choices must be based on hope and not fear or shame, as I have so often done in the past. Of course that is easier to say than do and there is a part of me that is giving up before I even start, but I need to let myself be vulnerable before I can obtain the joyful life that I have been so desperately seeking.
I read an article a few weeks ago written by a wise woman named Brene Brown. She talks a lot about being authentic and having the courage to let ourselves be seen. She has given me a lot of perspective, but there is one thing she said that has been playing on repeat in my head:
"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."
So I will embrace my imperfections, own my story and know that at the end of the day, I am enough.
