Regret

I sit before you a changed woman.  My youngest is now officially in school.

There are no more babies in my house.  I know I put on a good show the other day about how excited I was, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.  But I take it back.  I sent Abby into class today (where she quite willingly went) and then walked home by myself to an empty house.  Yes, I cried just a little, right before I wandered around aimlessly, followed by a glassy-eyed stare out the window.  At this point I decided I better do something productive, so I rearranged my furniture, which is really just a way for me to assert my control over one aspect of my life because I feel like I've lost control over another.  See?  I am learning something in therapy.

Three hours later I was walking myself back to the school, ten minutes early.  I chatted nonchalantly with another mom while I was stealing glances at the Kindergarten door every thirty seconds.  Abby walked out a few minutes later with the biggest smile on her little face.  "Mommy!" she giggled and ran to me for a hug.  We walked hand-in-hand back to our house while she talked about the day's adventures and I realized something--I really shouldn't wish it away too soon.  And I won't.  I will cherish this time with her because there is one thing I can live without: regret.

Why I wanna be a scarf girl

So my last post was a bit of a downer.  Sorry about that.  But today I am feeling a little more optimistic.  You wanna know why?  Because change is around the corner, folks!  School is in session and we survived the first week;  some of us better than others but overall we are off to a good start.  Abby starts Kindergarten in another day and can I just say how excited we all are?  Is that terrible that I am excited for my baby to start school?  I know, I know, I'm not supposed to wish it all away and all that, but that little girl needs social interaction like she needs oxygen.  And in all reality I am exhausted from the effort of being her only source of entertainment.  She is going to LOVE school.

So with school starting, it means that fall is coming.  I love fall.  I really do. Spring is my favorite, summer is awesome, but there is something about the crisp air, the beautiful leaves and the smell of change that just makes fall a magical season.  But honestly, I basically love every season except winter. Winter sucks.

Anyway...

I also love fall fashions.  The boots.  The sweaters.  And the scarves.

Oh how I wish I was a scarf person.  I see people in all their scarfy stylish-ness and I think, "Yes!  I could do totally do that!"  But then I buy a scarf, put it on and take it right off because I feel ridiculous.  Does anyone else do this?   I don't know.  I feel like a fashion moron, but there it is.



You see?  Absolutely cute.  When I look at these pictures I feel utterly envious. These pictures also make me realize that I want to be a legging person, but with the same irrational reasoning that wish will also never come to pass.

And so I will spend the next few months with my baggy jeans and scarf-less neck, but will find comfort in the fact that school is in session, fall is coming and I have three hours a day to myself.  Woo hoo!

I'm trying

I'm trying.

I really am.

But sometimes I get tired of trying and it just seems easier to give up.

For example:  I have been trying to go to sleep for the past hour, but I just gave up.  It was easier, you know?  Shawn is a snorer and I have found ways to cope with that.  Earplugs are now my best friends.  But he recently developed a new sleep disorder in which he randomly and unconsciously jerks his legs around while he is sleeping thus eliminating all chances of me falling blissfully into slumber myself.  I'm sure there is a name for this condition.  Doctors love to do that.  They assign names to the weird things our bodies do so we can have some validation that there is indeed something wrong with us, but alas, there is probably nothing we can do about it.  But thanks for asking, please pay your copay on the way out and have a nice day.

In a lot of ways this little story is an analogy of life.  My life.  I try and I try, but sometimes feel like there is no hope of success.  I would rather go around that mountain in front of me instead of climbing it.  But then I remember that I won't be able to see the view from the summit if I don't do the climb.  And at that point it's possible that I might break into song---Julie Andrews, NOT Miley Cyrus, just so you know.

Where was I?  Oh ya.  Climbing mountains.  Being tired.  So maybe it's time I sat down on the trail to catch my breath.  I'll get over the sleep problem, but other problems seem particularly difficult at the moment.  So I'll take a break, unload some of my burden and ask for help.  Because we have guides, right?  People around us ready to take our hands and help us up.  And one thing is for sure;  I am not the only one on this mountain.  And I won't be the only one at the summit.

So I keep on walking.