Growing up is optional

My eldest child turned 17 last week.  I have mixed feelings about this birthday.  On one hand, I am excited for him;  he is just starting his life and has so many opportunities ahead of him.  Yet I am scared for him too.  He has so much to learn and I know he will have trials that I can no longer shield him from.  It's a weird feeling.  This birthday has also been a unwelcome reminder of my advancing age.  Here is my official list entitled "20 signs that you are approaching middle age":

1.  You realize you have known your spouse for more than half your life.
2.  When you get together with your friends, you realize that you enjoy discussing your various physical ailments.
3.  Your idea of a good time is staying at home watching Netflix in your pajamas.
4.  "Dressing up" means putting on a bra.
5.  You stop telling people that you are going to "grow old gracefully".
6.  You dye your hair because you have to, not because you want to.
7.  You actually have a strategic plan for how you are going to someday grow out your gray hair and stop coloring it.  I'm serious.
8.  You are happy to be done having kids, but start to realize you are going to miss some things about having babies.
9.  You realize that you are never again going to plan a first-birthday party.
10.  You begin to dream about future grandchildren and start saving toys "just in case". (see number 8).
11.  You wake up from that dream in a cold sweat.
12.  You try to go back to sleep, grateful that you are finally at a time in your life when you get a chance to sleep through the night, but your traitorous body doesn't let you.
13.  The reasons your body doesn't let you sleep at night are sometimes the same reasons why it won't move the next morning.
14.  You understood the previous statement without having to think about it.
15.  Your youngest child is a brat, but you really couldn't care less.
16.  People start to think you are learning to be patient, but...(see number 15).
17.  Sitting on the floor is NEVER a good idea.
18.  In fact, even getting up from the floor after sitting for longer than, oh, ten minutes usually results in cramped leg muscles, sore hips and an arthritic hobble across the room.  This is usually followed by one of your teenagers mocking you.
19.  Speaking of teenagers, you don't understand half of what they are talking about and you have had conversations where they explain to you what "hashtag" means.
20.  The fact that you even HAVE teenagers is proof enough.

Happy birthday Alex!  :)

The better side of crappy

I wish I could take credit for this phrase, recently coined by my sister who is going through the post-surgery blues.  It so perfectly sums up a mood that is somewhere between ok and my-life-sucks.  And it happens to perfectly sum up my current state of mind.

I am sitting here at 1:45 a.m. in a terribly uncomfortable office chair.  I am supposed to be in bed, but I recently vacated that location due to less than desirable sleeping conditions.  Being awake in the middle of the night is a little weird;  I sorta feel like I am doing something wrong, sneaking around the house like a burglar, avoiding all the creaks in the floor and quietly closing doors to bedrooms so I don't disturb anyone else with my insomnia.

The stillness in the house gives me too much time to think.  My mind starts to wander with anxious thoughts and I worry about everything that is wrong in my life.  Most of my worries are about things I can't control, but I go ahead and worry about them anyway.  It's silly and a little irrational, but I can't seem to help it.

I've tried what feels like everything for my anxiety.  Meditation, therapy, vitamins, calming teas, avoiding caffeine, all kinds of medications and nothing really seems to work.  I read an article once that told me one of the best things I can do for anxiety is get enough sleep.  Obviously whoever wrote that article is a moron.  So what else can I do?  This is not a hypothetical question, but an actual question sent out into cyberspace where it will hopefully return to me with some answers.  Anxiety can be crippling at times.  And the worst part is that I see it in my kids and I feel so responsible for it.  So guess what I do?  That's right.  I worry about it.  I even have anxiety about anxiety.  It makes me laugh a little, which come to think about it, could be from my current sleep-deprivation.

So anyway, there's my little rant for the night.  Maybe writing it out will ease my mind and give me some relief.  Who knows?  Not me.

Welcome to the better side of crappy.

food for thought...

Abby:  "Mom?  Why do boys sometimes order girl cheese sandwiches?"

happy October!!