Christina's World

Christina's World
by Andrew Wyeth

I love this painting.  So I thought I would share.  It reminds me of where I am and where I want to be.  There is a sense of hope about it that gives me comfort.  She's fallen down, but she looks forward with a sense of purpose.  I guess that's life.  Sometimes we run, sometimes we walk and sometimes we crawl.

verbal vomit

Welcome!  In this post you will find nothing earth-shattering or insightful but instead you will find that I simply regurgitated the contents of my life onto the page.  Verbal vomit, I like to call it. So read on and then you can consider yourself informed.

So I am sitting here at 5:11 am.  I know, it surprised me too.  But believe me, I didn't get up this early because I wanted to.  I just returned from taking Nate to the high school for swim practice.  He is on the team this year (which I think is so cool and I am so proud of him!) and he practices every morning at 5, has a class period every other day for swim, and then has after school practices.  That's three to four hours of swimming.  Every. Day.  Thinking about it makes me feel tired.  But the good news is that at least one person in our family is incredibly in shape!  Woo hoo!  The rest of us are a bunch of slugs, but whatever.  He has his first meet today and he is so nervous.  He looked like he wanted to throw up when I dropped him off at practice.  But I am excited to watch him compete for the first time.  He is an awesome kid.

Onward with my life!  Next up...Abby. What can I say.  Abby is...Abby.  She had her birthday the other day and the day was interesting, I guess you could call it.  She was sooooo excited.  We had a family party planned and when she wasn't running around the house screaming "I'M SIX!", she was asking me how many more minutes until her party that night.  Six hours is a looooong time when you have an hysterical six year old waiting to open her presents.

Here are a few Abby quotables from the day:

"Mom, I wonder what these presents are.  Do you think they are the ones that I ordered?"

"Mom, I want the party to start.  When are my people going to be here?"

"Thanks Aunt Amy for the dress.  But I wish I could get some more presents that are cooler."

.....sigh......

I guess this is normal for a six-year-old.  The combination of self-centeredness and the inability to control what they say is par for the course.  But it's horribly embarrassing!  And kinda funny too.

Here's a picture of the cutie to make up for her social faux pas:

Next up is my Seffers.  I love that kid!  He is 11 which happens to be one of my favorite kid ages.  Kids this age are funny and smart.  They haven't turned into teenage monsters yet, but you can have extremely intelligent, although somewhat odd conversations with them.  They still tell you about their day.  They still hug you when they come home from school (well, at least mine does).  I wish I had a recent picture to share, but for some reason I have been absolutely terrible about taking pictures lately.  I have a new camera, not to mention a GREAT camera on my phone, so there is no excuses for me.  I guess I will have to settle for a selfy he took the other day that I found on his iPod.  Don't tell him I did this because he would DIE.  But he is so funny!

Since I already told you about Nate's swim stuff we will move on to Alex. I don't know if I blogged about this already, but Alex had the opportunity to travel to New York last May with a really cool jazz band that he plays in called the Voodoo Orchestra.  They played in several places including Dizzy's Coca Cola jazz club and a little place called Carnegie Hall.  Yes, you read that correctly.  CARNEGIE HALL, PEOPLE!!!  

Here are some pictures to prove he was there :)

Three of the bands that are part of the Caleb Chapman Music group were able to perform their own night at this amazing venue.  The main band, who headlined the event, is called the Crescent Super Band.  Voodoo orchestra and La Onda Caribena both played 20 minute sets before Crescent came on and played for about an hour.  Unfortunately, Shawn and I weren't able to go on the tour with him. We were able to save up enough for Alex to go, but it was too much to pay for all three of us.  But that's ok!  I am just so glad that he was able to go.  All of these bands are part of an organization called Caleb Chapman Music down in American Fork, Utah.  They have 15 different bands made up completely of Junior High and High school kids.  And they are really, really good!  Alex is so lucky and blessed and totally excited that he got the chance to be part of it last year and go on that amazing tour.  He auditioned this year for Voodoo and is able to be part of it again for another year.  I can't tell you how much this group has helped this kid.  He has learned so much;  not just about music, but about how be good at life in general.  Words cannot even express how proud I am of his accomplishments.  If you're interested, here is a link to a review of the concert that was posted in the New York Concert review:  http://www.nyconcertreview.com/blog/?p=2360

As you can see, life stays interesting here at the Shipley house.  We are running every which way as fast as we can and sometimes, honestly, it gets a little out of control, but we have much to be grateful for.  We have trials and problems like everyone else, but for the moment, life with the Shipleys is pretty sweet.

Growing up is optional

My eldest child turned 17 last week.  I have mixed feelings about this birthday.  On one hand, I am excited for him;  he is just starting his life and has so many opportunities ahead of him.  Yet I am scared for him too.  He has so much to learn and I know he will have trials that I can no longer shield him from.  It's a weird feeling.  This birthday has also been a unwelcome reminder of my advancing age.  Here is my official list entitled "20 signs that you are approaching middle age":

1.  You realize you have known your spouse for more than half your life.
2.  When you get together with your friends, you realize that you enjoy discussing your various physical ailments.
3.  Your idea of a good time is staying at home watching Netflix in your pajamas.
4.  "Dressing up" means putting on a bra.
5.  You stop telling people that you are going to "grow old gracefully".
6.  You dye your hair because you have to, not because you want to.
7.  You actually have a strategic plan for how you are going to someday grow out your gray hair and stop coloring it.  I'm serious.
8.  You are happy to be done having kids, but start to realize you are going to miss some things about having babies.
9.  You realize that you are never again going to plan a first-birthday party.
10.  You begin to dream about future grandchildren and start saving toys "just in case". (see number 8).
11.  You wake up from that dream in a cold sweat.
12.  You try to go back to sleep, grateful that you are finally at a time in your life when you get a chance to sleep through the night, but your traitorous body doesn't let you.
13.  The reasons your body doesn't let you sleep at night are sometimes the same reasons why it won't move the next morning.
14.  You understood the previous statement without having to think about it.
15.  Your youngest child is a brat, but you really couldn't care less.
16.  People start to think you are learning to be patient, but...(see number 15).
17.  Sitting on the floor is NEVER a good idea.
18.  In fact, even getting up from the floor after sitting for longer than, oh, ten minutes usually results in cramped leg muscles, sore hips and an arthritic hobble across the room.  This is usually followed by one of your teenagers mocking you.
19.  Speaking of teenagers, you don't understand half of what they are talking about and you have had conversations where they explain to you what "hashtag" means.
20.  The fact that you even HAVE teenagers is proof enough.

Happy birthday Alex!  :)

The better side of crappy

I wish I could take credit for this phrase, recently coined by my sister who is going through the post-surgery blues.  It so perfectly sums up a mood that is somewhere between ok and my-life-sucks.  And it happens to perfectly sum up my current state of mind.

I am sitting here at 1:45 a.m. in a terribly uncomfortable office chair.  I am supposed to be in bed, but I recently vacated that location due to less than desirable sleeping conditions.  Being awake in the middle of the night is a little weird;  I sorta feel like I am doing something wrong, sneaking around the house like a burglar, avoiding all the creaks in the floor and quietly closing doors to bedrooms so I don't disturb anyone else with my insomnia.

The stillness in the house gives me too much time to think.  My mind starts to wander with anxious thoughts and I worry about everything that is wrong in my life.  Most of my worries are about things I can't control, but I go ahead and worry about them anyway.  It's silly and a little irrational, but I can't seem to help it.

I've tried what feels like everything for my anxiety.  Meditation, therapy, vitamins, calming teas, avoiding caffeine, all kinds of medications and nothing really seems to work.  I read an article once that told me one of the best things I can do for anxiety is get enough sleep.  Obviously whoever wrote that article is a moron.  So what else can I do?  This is not a hypothetical question, but an actual question sent out into cyberspace where it will hopefully return to me with some answers.  Anxiety can be crippling at times.  And the worst part is that I see it in my kids and I feel so responsible for it.  So guess what I do?  That's right.  I worry about it.  I even have anxiety about anxiety.  It makes me laugh a little, which come to think about it, could be from my current sleep-deprivation.

So anyway, there's my little rant for the night.  Maybe writing it out will ease my mind and give me some relief.  Who knows?  Not me.

Welcome to the better side of crappy.

food for thought...

Abby:  "Mom?  Why do boys sometimes order girl cheese sandwiches?"

happy October!!

Just pie

Here's the deal.  My mom makes the best pies in the world.  For real.  IN THE WHOLE WORLD.  She came to see me the other day.  She brought me a peach pie because she is the best mom ever.  After she left I immediately ate two pieces and then proceeded to hide the pie in the back of the fridge.  If you get between me and my pie, there is trouble.  And this is what I had for breakfast, lunch, dinner and a midnight snack the next day which is totally acceptable because there is fruit in it.  Yes.  The pie is gone.  Yes.  I cried.

Behold the deliciousness.  It's just so beautiful.

And again.  Do you notice the exquisite, flaky crust?  Perfection, my friends.

This is how I look before I partake of the deliciousness.

This is me:  the pie stalker.

And this is me eating another piece about 5 minutes after I ate the first one.  I promise I do use a fork.

Long live the pie.  Go get some.  But stay away from mine.

A play in three acts

The cast:  Mom and Abby

The plot:  A series of conversations between mother and daughter.

The setting:  Sacrament meeting.

Act One

(Congregation is folding their arms reverently during our five-minute -- no lie, it was FIVE MINUTES -- opening prayer.  At about minute number two, Abby starts to fidget.)

Abby (using a hushed voiced that barely qualifies as a whisper):  "Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  When are we going to be done?"

Mom:  "We just started, Abby.  We have about an hour left in the meeting."

Abby:  "One hour?  Is that a long time?"

Me:  "Well, ya kinda."

Abby:  "Uuuuuuuuuuuh.  Nooooooooooooo."

Me:  "Fold your arms and stop talking!"

(Next scene, during minute four of never-ending prayer)

Abby: "Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom."

Me:  "Whaaaaat?!?"

Abby (using the whiniest voice she can possibly muster):  "This is the loooooongest prayer EVER."


Act Two

(Congregation is bowing their heads reverently as the sacrament is passed.  I take that back.  Everyone except my children are bowing their heads reverently.)

Abby:  "Mom?  Your arms look like Sponge Bob's"

Me:  "..........."


Act Three

(Congregation is getting restless.  Sacrament meeting is running in overtime, probably due to the aforementioned five-minute prayer.)

Abby (Not even bothering with the whisper this time):  "Mom, do you know how to say hello in Hawaii-an?  Alooooooooooha!"

Me:  "Wow, that's awesome!"

Abby:  "I am so smart, huh."

Me: "Yes you are definitely a smart girl."

Abby:  "Yup.  My brain is getting lots of wrinkles."

(Mom laughs out loud, congregation sings "We Are All Enlisted" and curtain closes on yet another successful sacrament meeting.)

Regret

I sit before you a changed woman.  My youngest is now officially in school.

There are no more babies in my house.  I know I put on a good show the other day about how excited I was, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.  But I take it back.  I sent Abby into class today (where she quite willingly went) and then walked home by myself to an empty house.  Yes, I cried just a little, right before I wandered around aimlessly, followed by a glassy-eyed stare out the window.  At this point I decided I better do something productive, so I rearranged my furniture, which is really just a way for me to assert my control over one aspect of my life because I feel like I've lost control over another.  See?  I am learning something in therapy.

Three hours later I was walking myself back to the school, ten minutes early.  I chatted nonchalantly with another mom while I was stealing glances at the Kindergarten door every thirty seconds.  Abby walked out a few minutes later with the biggest smile on her little face.  "Mommy!" she giggled and ran to me for a hug.  We walked hand-in-hand back to our house while she talked about the day's adventures and I realized something--I really shouldn't wish it away too soon.  And I won't.  I will cherish this time with her because there is one thing I can live without: regret.

Why I wanna be a scarf girl

So my last post was a bit of a downer.  Sorry about that.  But today I am feeling a little more optimistic.  You wanna know why?  Because change is around the corner, folks!  School is in session and we survived the first week;  some of us better than others but overall we are off to a good start.  Abby starts Kindergarten in another day and can I just say how excited we all are?  Is that terrible that I am excited for my baby to start school?  I know, I know, I'm not supposed to wish it all away and all that, but that little girl needs social interaction like she needs oxygen.  And in all reality I am exhausted from the effort of being her only source of entertainment.  She is going to LOVE school.

So with school starting, it means that fall is coming.  I love fall.  I really do. Spring is my favorite, summer is awesome, but there is something about the crisp air, the beautiful leaves and the smell of change that just makes fall a magical season.  But honestly, I basically love every season except winter. Winter sucks.

Anyway...

I also love fall fashions.  The boots.  The sweaters.  And the scarves.

Oh how I wish I was a scarf person.  I see people in all their scarfy stylish-ness and I think, "Yes!  I could do totally do that!"  But then I buy a scarf, put it on and take it right off because I feel ridiculous.  Does anyone else do this?   I don't know.  I feel like a fashion moron, but there it is.



You see?  Absolutely cute.  When I look at these pictures I feel utterly envious. These pictures also make me realize that I want to be a legging person, but with the same irrational reasoning that wish will also never come to pass.

And so I will spend the next few months with my baggy jeans and scarf-less neck, but will find comfort in the fact that school is in session, fall is coming and I have three hours a day to myself.  Woo hoo!

I'm trying

I'm trying.

I really am.

But sometimes I get tired of trying and it just seems easier to give up.

For example:  I have been trying to go to sleep for the past hour, but I just gave up.  It was easier, you know?  Shawn is a snorer and I have found ways to cope with that.  Earplugs are now my best friends.  But he recently developed a new sleep disorder in which he randomly and unconsciously jerks his legs around while he is sleeping thus eliminating all chances of me falling blissfully into slumber myself.  I'm sure there is a name for this condition.  Doctors love to do that.  They assign names to the weird things our bodies do so we can have some validation that there is indeed something wrong with us, but alas, there is probably nothing we can do about it.  But thanks for asking, please pay your copay on the way out and have a nice day.

In a lot of ways this little story is an analogy of life.  My life.  I try and I try, but sometimes feel like there is no hope of success.  I would rather go around that mountain in front of me instead of climbing it.  But then I remember that I won't be able to see the view from the summit if I don't do the climb.  And at that point it's possible that I might break into song---Julie Andrews, NOT Miley Cyrus, just so you know.

Where was I?  Oh ya.  Climbing mountains.  Being tired.  So maybe it's time I sat down on the trail to catch my breath.  I'll get over the sleep problem, but other problems seem particularly difficult at the moment.  So I'll take a break, unload some of my burden and ask for help.  Because we have guides, right?  People around us ready to take our hands and help us up.  And one thing is for sure;  I am not the only one on this mountain.  And I won't be the only one at the summit.

So I keep on walking.

Abby's new 'do

Yup...we chopped it all off folks!  Personally, I think the shorter hair matches her spunky personality a little better than the Rapunzel look.  If I would have been thinking clearly I would have taken a "before" picture but let's face it, clear thinking has never been one my dominant traits.  I snapped one as the stylist started cutting so you can see how long it was getting.

As we walked into the salon, she told me she wanted it short and curly.  I told her she could have it short, but since her hair is straighter than a stick it would most likely need to stay that way.  To be honest, I thought she might change her mind about the shorter cut, but she sat in that salon chair with the biggest smile on her face and never batted an eye as the stylist chopped about 4 inches off!

I love this little girl!

I got nothin'

No witty remarks, no funny kid junk, no deep and insightful observations.

My life is officially boring again.

Not that I'm complaining.  Actually, I am complaining.  Wow...even when my life is boring I still find something to complain about.  See, now I am complaining about the fact that I am complaining.  What is WRONG with me?!?

I guess I could always write the obligatory update post.  Here I go.

Shawn is working.  He has a job.  It is nice.  We have money again.

The kids are out of school.  They are bored.  They are driving me crazy.  Edit:  MORE crazy.

I am a mom.  I stay at home and pretend like I am doing practical and useful things.  But really I just play on my phone and read.  Have I mentioned that I am bored?

Yardwork sucks.

The end.

Where babies come from

Today, while we were having our daily playtime of princesses and castles, Abby says to me:

"Mom, do you know that I used to live inside your belly?"

"Yes," I say with a sense of dread slowly creeping up inside of me.

"Yup,"  she says.  "And then you just pooped me out!  Like this...(Abby blows a raspberry)."

I laugh, of course.

She sighs.  "Mom, you have one girl and three brothers."

"You're right,"  I say.

"And they used to live inside your belly too.  And then you pooped each of them out!  Poop, poop, poop!"

I'm dying now.  Laughing with tears coming out of my eyes.

She sighs again. "Mom, I wish I had a sister.  Could you poop one out for me?"

Oh dear.

Drum roll please....

Shawn passed the NCLEX last week!

HALLELUJAH!

And he has a job!  I was a little worried about that part, to be honest, because I have heard a lot of people tell me how difficult it is for new nurses to find work.  Maybe that's true, I don't know, but Shawn didn't seem to have a hard time.  He has been working for a pharmaceutical research company as an assistant for about a month and they just offered him a full-time position as a nurse.  He is very excited and is already working on several different studies about Alzheimers, sciatic pain and such.  He doesn't think he will stay at this particular setting forever since he really wants to do hospital nursing, but it's a foot in the door and will be valuable experience for him.

The rest of us are breathing a big sigh of relief and are having our own little celebration that we finally have the REAL Shawn back in our lives.  The fun-loving and happy Shawn who has been scarce the past while.  I am so happy for him and just bursting with pride at how he stuck through every challenge and overcame every obstacle (and believe me -- there were many) that he came upon.  It's amazing how much stress can negatively impact your emotional well-being, your spirituality and your health.  The past several years have been hard for everyone.  I feel like we've climbed a mountain and now we are finally at the summit.  I know we will have many more to climb in our life, but for now --

we are just going to sit back and enjoy the view.

Easter pic

Aside from the hideous glare on the glasses, we're not a bad lookin' family!

Am I smarter than a fifth grader?

The answer to that is a resounding NO.

What happens when my 10 year old asks me to help him with his math homework?  Besides me breaking out in a cold sweat?

I say something like this:  "You know who is great at math?  Your brother!  Now...who wants ice cream?"

But tonight, both Dad and brothers were unavailable for tutoring so I was left to the task.  Two hours later it was clear to both of us that we were on a sinking ship.  Here is a snippet of our conversations:

Me:  "Now that you have solved the problem, just reduce the fraction."

Seth:  "Reduce?  Do you mean simplify?"

Me:  "Well, ya, whatever."

Seth:  "Mom.  It's simplify.  If a teacher says "reduce" when she teaches math, she gets fired.  My teacher said so."

Me:  "So can I be fired now?  Please?"

The Rebel Alliance

I know what you're thinking...quitting facebook is the same as running away from home.  You're just doing it for attention and we all know you'll be back.  But seriously folks.  I deactivated my account a couple of weeks ago and I have one thing to say:  I don't miss it.

The Girl in a Whirl

In my little world the fact that I actually made lunches for kids to take to school today is a small miracle.  Then I remembered this poem I heard many years ago.  All I can say to women everywhere is this --

Drop the guilt!!

The Girl in a Whirl         by ‘Dr. Sue’ (a.k.a. Vickie Gunther)  
         "Look at me, look at me, look at me now!
         You could do what I do
         If you only knew how.
         I study the scriptures one hour each day;
         I bake,
         I upholster,
         I scrub,
         and I pray.
         I always keep all the commandments completely;
         I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.
         I help in their classrooms!
         I sew all they wear!
         I drive them to practice!
         I cut all their hair!
         I memorize names of the General Authorities;
         I focus on things to be done by priorities.
         I play the piano!
         I bless with my talents!
         My toilets all sparkle!
         My checkbooks all balance!
         Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;
         I attend all my meetings (on time!  Never late!)
  
         I’m taking a class on the teachings of Paul,
  
         But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all .
         I track my bad habits ’til each is abolished;
         Our t-shirts are ironed!
         My toenails are polished!
         Our family home evenings are always delightful;
         The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.
         I do genealogy faithfully, too.
         It’s easy to do all the things that I do!
         I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;
         I know all the names of each youth in my stake!
         I read to my children!
         I help all my neighbors!
         I bless the community, too, with my labors.
         I exercise and I cook menus gourmet;
         My visiting teaching is done the first day!
         (I also go do it for someone who missed hers.
         It’s the least I can do for my cherished ward sisters.)
         I chart resolutions and check off each goal;
         I seek each “lost lamb” on my Primary roll.
         I can home-grown produce each summer and fall.
         But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all .
         I write in my journal!
         I sing in the choir!
         Each day, I write “thank you’s” to those I admire.
         My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!
         My kids get straight A’s!
         And their bedrooms are clean!
         I have a home business to help make some money;
         I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.
         I go to the temple at least once a week;
         I change the car’s tires!
         I fix the sink’s leak!
  
         I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;
         I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.
         I make sure I rotate our two-years’ supply;
         My shopping for Christmas is done by July!
         These things are not hard;
         ’tis good if you do them;
         You can if you try!
         Just set goals and pursue them!
         It’s easy to do all the things that I do!
         If you plan and work smart, you can do them all, too!
         It’s easy!” she said...

        and then she dropped dead."

words of wisdom

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~ Plato

Funny Girl

So Abby says to me the other day, "Mom, I wonder how Jesus is doing today."

"I think he's probably doing great," I say.

Abby ponders my response.  "Ya....he's probably up there just singin' that "beam" song, huh?"

".........." (me trying not to laugh.)

Where does she come up with this stuff??  She's my funny girl!

Cheese = happiness

Introducing my latest addiction:

Have any of you tried this stuff?  Holy moly!  I can't get enough of it.  I was grazing the other day at Costco and sampled this little piece of heaven, served by a cute lady who proclaimed it to be tasty and satisfying.  I have to say I agree.

So here's the bad news:

Yup.  There is pretty much no nutritional value whatsoever.  It's almost 100% fat and one little serving of 2 Tbsp. fills up 40% of your saturated fat intake for the day.  Which, of course, is why it is so dang yummy.  I admit with little shame that I can eat the entire box in one sitting if I so desired.

The best cracker to eat this with is:

Also available at Costco!  (dear Costco...I want free cheese).  

I know...you see the words "rice crackers" and you think "boring", but these are salty, cheesy and yummy!  Thank heaven they are low fat, low calorie and as close as you can get to just eating air.  It cancels out the cheese, don't you think?  So I can eat as much as I want, right?  Right.

life at 4 a.m.

So it seems that I must endure another night of only 4 hours of sleep.  I'm not sure what is happening inside my brain to make me so sleep deprived, but here I sit, 4 o'clock in the morning while everyone else is blissfully sleeping.  I am wandering around the house, eating cereal and contemplating life.  The heater is humming quietly and I can hear Shawn snoring in the background.  Words are jumping around in brain, but I just can't seem to bring them all together and let them flow out of me.

Such is life at the moment.

What does a person DO at 4 a.m.?  I am open to suggestions.

Isn't this nice?

Typical family dinner at my house:

It's like someone had a camera installed in my kitchen...and then made a cartoon out of it.

Except a few things need to be added.  Like musical chairs.  And kids choking.  And me laughing so hard I have to leave to room.

Do the limbo

limbo  n.
1.  A state or place of confinement.
2.  An intermediate stage.
3.  A dance from West India that is freaky, but disturbingly genius.

Or we could submit a new definition:
4.  My life in a nutshell.

So Shawn didn't pass his first attempt at the dreaded NCLEX, otherwise known as "the most ridiculous test in history".  Seriously, why can't it just be a straightforward measure of a person's knowledge and aptitude for nursing?  Why all the trickery, chicanery and shenanigans?  For cryin' out loud people spend thousands of dollars on their education, then turn around and spend hundreds more taking entire courses dedicated to passing this test;  teaching you how to navigate your way through the silliness so you can find the one little key word that will magically tell you which answer is "most correct".

Guaranteed you'll pass or your money back!

Needless to say, Shawn didn't take that extra course two months ago.  Looking back, (insert sarcasm) we believe it was an unwise decision.

So here we go again, another 45 days of studying, crying, not sleeping and generally banging our heads against the wall.  And taking a course that is guaranteed (or your money back) to make you feel stupid, just in case your experience in nursing school didn't already take care of that.

In limbo.  In between stages.  Not feeling like there is a place in life where we fit.  Just going through the motions and getting on each other's nerves.  I suppose I should use this as a learning experience.  You know...try to find the lesson, learn from it, lean into  it.

But I really just want to fling it out the window.

Ok enough complaining.  I will stop complaining for a moment.  The complaining part of this post is now over.  On to looking on the brighter side of things, like it's now February and you know what that means don't you?

That January is over!!  And spring is coming!!

Ahhhh...spring.  It makes me happy inside just hearing the word.  Knowing it's right around the next corner.  It feels me with all sorts of giddiness and gives me this sudden urge to play in the dirt.  It also means that the kids will actually go outside to play once in a while instead of parking their butts in front of an endless stream of Netflix cartoons or video games.  Yes, spring is awesome.  It's all trampolines and tulips and bunny rabbits.  It's the host of all my favorite holidays (except Halloween, of course) and it represents, to me, a new start and a new life.  A chance to begin again.

And to quit doing the limbo. :)

January

Otherwise known as the worst month EVER.  Sorry to all of you January-born folks and all of you determined optimists, but I just can't get over how rotten the whole deal is.  Everything about January sucks.  I know, we all love our snow and lights in December, but in January, the snow is dirty and the lights are out.  Not to mention it's -4 stinking degrees outside in our lovely valley.  People say that hell is a fiery and hot place, but no, no...I am convinced it is a bitterly cold wasteland devoid of life and feeling.  Ya.  Kinda like January.

But don't worry!  President's Day...no wait...Martin Luther King day is coming up this weekend!  Yay!! (insert sarcasm)

As I sit here cuddled up next to my tiny, electric heater that I had to bribe away from the kids, I am reflecting on my life and the past few months.  My little world hasn't been an especially happy one lately.  I had this feeling back in September when Shawn started his last semester of school that this would not be the end of our struggles.  I wanted to feel relief at finally seeing that light at the end of the tunnel, but I really just felt wary and a little bit frightened.  That light did, in fact, feel like an oncoming train.  Everyone around us was cheering us on;  A lot of our friends and family told us with relief that we would finally be getting  back to "real" life and things would get back to the way they were.  But I have never felt that relief.  Not once.  Not truly.  I have felt like we still had the hardest climb yet ahead of us and maybe we would have to draw on reserves that are so deeply hidden, we didn't even know they were there.  Since this is my happy and sanitary blog, I will spare you my entire sob story.

I guess my point is that it's January in my life right now:  both literally and figuratively.  It feels cold, uncertain, bleak, uncomfortable, but there are moments of sunshine and parts of the day when I am finally warm.  And the thing about January...is that it can't last forever.  It only has 31 days (yes, I had to recite the poem in my head to figure that out) and it only comes once a year.  Sure, it will inevitably roll around again in 12 months, but I can make it through every January in my life as long as I know that eventually, warmer days will come.

a bit of Fascinating

One of my favorite blogs is called "Because my life is fascinating".  It's written by a sassy, sarcastic, adorable chick named Hillary.  She's a regular mom who deals with life just like the rest of us do:  one day at a time.  She has an interesting story.  You should go check her out:  thehilljean.com  Besides all that, she's a fantastic writer.  Today I feel compelled to post a poem she wrote that I adore and happens to really define my life at the moment.  As far as I know, it doesn't have a title.  Enjoy!

Humbled by magnanimity
That occupies my house.

Lord knows it's not mine.

God give me grace
to accept this nakedness.

Raw and exposed,
Helpless.
Unadorned.

We are your people
And You are the Shepherd.

Why do we have to be sheep?

Can you make my path straight?
Or---
Perhaps clear the hedges?

As in, take all of my problems away?

My puzzle solved.
My riddle ridded.

You are God.

May I bow out graciously?
Or shall I just kneel?

I'll just kneel.

Could you just help me kneel?


~written by Hillary at thehilljean.com