Thinking is overrated

Remind me of this fact the next time I decide to do something new with my life. Give me a sleazy paperback and a bag of candy to lure me away from temptation. Because do you know what happens to Megan when she has to use more than 10% of her brain? She turns into evil, irritating, cyborg Megan who is a cross between an angsty teenager and an angry chihuahua. If you ever decide to finish your unfinished business just remember that You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile! Run away! Run far, far away!

Now that you have a visual, I'm assuming I don't need to update you on the status of my life.

Sleep is, like, so overrated

Just kidding. It's not. Bedtime is my favorite part of the day. Because it's not just about sleeping - it's the perfect, slow motion, luxuriant, perfectly acceptable, non productive part of my day where I can snuggle into my 500 thread count sheets, lay down on my comfy pillow, read, play candy crush, put in my earplugs and then fall blissfully into slumber for 8 beautiful hours.

Errrrr....wait. Back up a bit. It's 5 a.m., I've been awake for 2 hours, so what the heck happened?

I'm not really sure, to be honest. Well, that's not entirely true. It's girls camp. I can't get it out of my head. I dream about it, I think about it, I obsess about it and it's cutting into my favorite part of the day so it needs to get here quickly and be over with so I may get back to my life in which I will most surely find something else to obsess about. (ummmm....school, do ya think?!?)

(insert big sigh here)

Anyway... whine, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah...you get the picture.

Killing time

I am playing the waiting game right now, so I thought I would kill some time and write. About what? Heck, I don't have a frickin' clue. I'll start by saying the first things that come to my mind (this could be interesting).

I am waiting for my admission letter to SLCC. I check the mail faithfully every day like a woman waiting for a love letter. It's just that I can't DO anything until I get that dang letter! It has my student id number, which is the magical passcode to all things collegiate, and I can't register for classes or take placement tests or figure out my financial aid or anything until I get that stupid letter! UGH!! I am the most impatient person I know.

I am also waiting to drive up the canyon with a bunch of women to check out our campsite for girls camp this year. I am pretty nervous about this since I am the one who chose the site and if it stinks then it's pretty much all my fault. I was supposed to go in 30 minutes but other late people are, surprise!, going to be late so I have to wait another hour. Another thing bugging me at the moment.

But I have a bit of good news! My crunched van is fixable, which can be good or bad depending on if your glass is half full or half empty. I've decided that it's a good thing because it means that a. I get to drive a new rental van around for a week and b. that I don't have to come up with money to purchase a new one. On the other hand, driving around this nice van makes me want a new car. Badly. Ah well...such is life I suppose. At least I have a vehicle and I don't have to take the scary bus all over the place like some people I know. Hey! Look at me being all positive and stuff! Woo hoo!

Let's see...Abby graduated Kindergarten a couple of days ago and their program was so dang cute I was on the verge of tears the entire time.

She's adorable. There just isn't any other words to describe her. I would also like to point out the fact that she is the only girl in her class who insisted on wearing her fanciest dress. She is part little girl and mostly princess, so I suppose it comes with the territory. She also sang a little solo in one of her songs, which I can't post for some reason. I think my iphone file isn't supported by this application or something. I don't know. Hey, that's something I will learn in school right? Or maybe one of you can enlighten me.

Seth had something the other day at school called a "wax museum". They got to choose a famous person, anybody they wanted, and do a report on them. Then they would dress up like the character, memorize a 30 second blurb about their life and all the classes and parents could come and visit. The kids would stand perfectly still and you would come up to them and press a button on their desk at which point they would give you their little speech. Seth chose to be David Tennant. In case you don't know who that is, which is probably all of you except for Tracy, he is the 10th doctor on the newest series of "Doctor Who". Seth is a little obsessed about it.

He looked pretty good, right down to his sonic screwdriver. What a nut! He did a good job though. He even spoke in a British accent when he did his speech! He is a funny and clever kid.

Well, I suppose that's it for now. I successfully filled my time up with something other than pacing the house so I am pretty proud of myself. Yay me!

Goo

It's raining. Whenever it rains I feel my mood shift into a kind of numbness that makes me sleepy and unproductive. I could never live in a place where it rained all the time. I'm sure I would turn into a big blob of sleepy goo. So that's what I am today - sleepy goo.

Shawn is working this weekend. And next weekend. And the weekend after that. Ya, ya, I know what you're saying right now; that I knew this would happen and I should just get over it. Nurses work weekends and holidays and birthdays and anniversaries and days when you are supposed to go on vacation. But he's out there saving lives so I suppose I should move on and just deal. It's on these days when I feel like goo that I need him here to motivate me and push me into being productive. But he's not here so never mind. I will just sit here and write about my gooeyness and be unproductive.

Is it ok that some days are like this? Days where I wander around and do nothing but stare into the abyss and slip slowly into madness? I'm sure I can't be the only one. Even as I write I feel the words slowly rising to the surface instead of springing to life onto the page. What should I do to pull myself out of this gooey state of mind? If you say exercise, I swear I am going to reach through this computer screen and strangle you.

Broken

I have been looking around my house lately and realized that almost everything I own is a hand-me-down. Battered, scratched, dented, scuffed and bruised, our house has what we affectionately term that "lived in" feeling.

I feel like that today too. Used up, worn out and ready to be donated to the local thrift shop. My mind feels weathered and I looked in the mirror this morning and noticed a nice, deep wrinkle in my forehead. Wonderful.

It's during these times that I am so grateful for the helping hands and inspired hearts of those around me. A youth leader, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a visiting teacher; people who care about me and seem to call or stop by at just the right moments. It patches up my weak parts and makes me think that I might just get a little more use out of this used up brain.

Lost and found

***Spoiler Alert!***

This post contains a lot of irrational, unnecessary complaining and possible symptoms of a mid-life crisis.  Do not read this if you are in a good mood.

So here's my question of the day:  how can my life be insanely busy but incredibly boring at the same time?  It sounds impossible but there it is.  Do you ever look around and wonder why you keep doing the same dang thing day after day?  I get so frustrated with myself.

But I stay at home with my kids!

I'm supposed to love it!

But there is this irritating whisper in the back of my head that's telling me I am losing it.  That the person I used to be is gone;  lost somewhere along the last 17 years of motherhood and marriage.  Wait...is this what a mid-life crisis is like?  Am I going to start shopping obsessively, get Botox injections, and pack it all in and run away to Greece?  Hmmm.  I'm not gonna lie - Greece sounds tempting.

I admit that every time I start a blog post this issue is on the tip of my tongue, but the confession comes with so much guilt.  I have much to be grateful for.  My life could actually be horrible.  But it isn't.  I have great kids.  I have a hard-working husband.  I have a home and food on the table.  I am blessed beyond what I probably deserve.

So what's with this "woe is me" crap?  And who is spared grief?  No one.

I guess I am realizing a few things about the harsh reality of adult life.  We control nothing.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring.  Bad things happen to good people.  Our kids have free agency and they are going to make stupid mistakes.  We can't shelter them from the boogie man anymore.  Biggest of all is my realization that we're all heading in the same direction and it's a one-way ticket.  We grow up assuming that if we follow the rules, do as we're told, have a good heart, then everything will work out and we'll all live happily ever after.  Sometimes that is true.  We should have a good heart and follow the rules.  Happiness can come from doing those things.  But happily ever after?  I think that comes from choosing to be grateful for what we have.  All of the people I know who are truly happy are people who are humble, giving and grateful for what they do have instead of focusing on the negative.

Hello Debbie Downer!  But there is my problem:  focusing on the negative.  Not being grateful for what I have.

I know as I look back on my life later, this spot I am in right here, right now will be a bright and sunny memory.  But the fact is that we all have to work hard at being bright and sunny.  The guilty truth is that I sometimes begrudge my identity as a mom.  I sometimes feel lost as a mommy.

I wonder if I have yet to find my shining purpose.  Maybe my purpose for now is to just find purpose in the mundane.  Help with the homework.  Fix meals.  Do the shopping.  Clean up the kitchen.  Get my kids to where they need to be.  Wash underwear.  Then wake up the next day and do it all again.

For me this is a daily struggle.  Am I alone?  Are you lost or found?  I guess I am somewhere in between.

p.s. I hate you.

Bleh.  Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh.

January.  I loathe you.  You are so loathed.  I loathest thou.  To loathe or not to loathe?  Hmm...I think I will loathe.  Are any of these usages of the word "loathe" correct?  Who cares?  Not me, because as far as the month of January goes, it can basically go to heck where it will be loathed for all eternity.

I'm not sorry.  I will not take any of it back.

I just came back from a downright awesome vacation where I spent 5 glorious days in the sun only to return to barren trees, polluted skies and black, crusty snow frozen to the streets.

Do I sound hateful and full of disgust?  Of course I do.  Because I am.  I am wondering if it would have been better for me if I had not tasted the sweetness of the sun because it only heightened my awareness of the stinking cold.

Someday I will move to a warm and sunny place and you will not have to read about my loathing.  But until then, I reserve the right to loathe this month with every fiber of my being.

Tomorrow I will have something happy to say.  Today I loathe.

The better side of crappy

I wish I could take credit for this phrase, recently coined by my sister who is going through the post-surgery blues.  It so perfectly sums up a mood that is somewhere between ok and my-life-sucks.  And it happens to perfectly sum up my current state of mind.

I am sitting here at 1:45 a.m. in a terribly uncomfortable office chair.  I am supposed to be in bed, but I recently vacated that location due to less than desirable sleeping conditions.  Being awake in the middle of the night is a little weird;  I sorta feel like I am doing something wrong, sneaking around the house like a burglar, avoiding all the creaks in the floor and quietly closing doors to bedrooms so I don't disturb anyone else with my insomnia.

The stillness in the house gives me too much time to think.  My mind starts to wander with anxious thoughts and I worry about everything that is wrong in my life.  Most of my worries are about things I can't control, but I go ahead and worry about them anyway.  It's silly and a little irrational, but I can't seem to help it.

I've tried what feels like everything for my anxiety.  Meditation, therapy, vitamins, calming teas, avoiding caffeine, all kinds of medications and nothing really seems to work.  I read an article once that told me one of the best things I can do for anxiety is get enough sleep.  Obviously whoever wrote that article is a moron.  So what else can I do?  This is not a hypothetical question, but an actual question sent out into cyberspace where it will hopefully return to me with some answers.  Anxiety can be crippling at times.  And the worst part is that I see it in my kids and I feel so responsible for it.  So guess what I do?  That's right.  I worry about it.  I even have anxiety about anxiety.  It makes me laugh a little, which come to think about it, could be from my current sleep-deprivation.

So anyway, there's my little rant for the night.  Maybe writing it out will ease my mind and give me some relief.  Who knows?  Not me.

Welcome to the better side of crappy.

I got nothin'

No witty remarks, no funny kid junk, no deep and insightful observations.

My life is officially boring again.

Not that I'm complaining.  Actually, I am complaining.  Wow...even when my life is boring I still find something to complain about.  See, now I am complaining about the fact that I am complaining.  What is WRONG with me?!?

I guess I could always write the obligatory update post.  Here I go.

Shawn is working.  He has a job.  It is nice.  We have money again.

The kids are out of school.  They are bored.  They are driving me crazy.  Edit:  MORE crazy.

I am a mom.  I stay at home and pretend like I am doing practical and useful things.  But really I just play on my phone and read.  Have I mentioned that I am bored?

Yardwork sucks.

The end.

Do the limbo

limbo  n.
1.  A state or place of confinement.
2.  An intermediate stage.
3.  A dance from West India that is freaky, but disturbingly genius.

Or we could submit a new definition:
4.  My life in a nutshell.

So Shawn didn't pass his first attempt at the dreaded NCLEX, otherwise known as "the most ridiculous test in history".  Seriously, why can't it just be a straightforward measure of a person's knowledge and aptitude for nursing?  Why all the trickery, chicanery and shenanigans?  For cryin' out loud people spend thousands of dollars on their education, then turn around and spend hundreds more taking entire courses dedicated to passing this test;  teaching you how to navigate your way through the silliness so you can find the one little key word that will magically tell you which answer is "most correct".

Guaranteed you'll pass or your money back!

Needless to say, Shawn didn't take that extra course two months ago.  Looking back, (insert sarcasm) we believe it was an unwise decision.

So here we go again, another 45 days of studying, crying, not sleeping and generally banging our heads against the wall.  And taking a course that is guaranteed (or your money back) to make you feel stupid, just in case your experience in nursing school didn't already take care of that.

In limbo.  In between stages.  Not feeling like there is a place in life where we fit.  Just going through the motions and getting on each other's nerves.  I suppose I should use this as a learning experience.  You know...try to find the lesson, learn from it, lean into  it.

But I really just want to fling it out the window.

Ok enough complaining.  I will stop complaining for a moment.  The complaining part of this post is now over.  On to looking on the brighter side of things, like it's now February and you know what that means don't you?

That January is over!!  And spring is coming!!

Ahhhh...spring.  It makes me happy inside just hearing the word.  Knowing it's right around the next corner.  It feels me with all sorts of giddiness and gives me this sudden urge to play in the dirt.  It also means that the kids will actually go outside to play once in a while instead of parking their butts in front of an endless stream of Netflix cartoons or video games.  Yes, spring is awesome.  It's all trampolines and tulips and bunny rabbits.  It's the host of all my favorite holidays (except Halloween, of course) and it represents, to me, a new start and a new life.  A chance to begin again.

And to quit doing the limbo. :)