Thinking is overrated

Remind me of this fact the next time I decide to do something new with my life. Give me a sleazy paperback and a bag of candy to lure me away from temptation. Because do you know what happens to Megan when she has to use more than 10% of her brain? She turns into evil, irritating, cyborg Megan who is a cross between an angsty teenager and an angry chihuahua. If you ever decide to finish your unfinished business just remember that You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile! Run away! Run far, far away!

Now that you have a visual, I'm assuming I don't need to update you on the status of my life.

Deep thought

"If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, you will feed him for a lifetime.

If you feed him to a shark, he will quit bugging you for food."

Dear Candy Corn, I love you.

Hi. My name is Megan and I am a candy corn addict... er... I mean, expert. Ya. That's the word I was looking for.

It's an obsession, really. I blame my mother. She is the cause of all of my food addictions. Homemade pies, bread, cinnamon rolls and don't even get me started on the sugar cookies. I grew up knowing that all of my problems could easily be remedied with some sort of comfort food. And believe me, its true.

If you share my "expertise" with candy corn, you know that there are certain rules in place. First of all, you never buy any brand but Brach's. All of the others are garbage and if you buy it you'll end up saying silly and blasphemous things like, "I hate candy corn."

Second, you only eat candy corn in the Fall and you only eat the white, orange and yellow ones. You shouldn't buy "bunny corn", "cupid corn", "reindeer corn" or even the white, orange and brown corn because that is just wrong. The other colors are wannabes. Why tamper with perfection? Trust me, it matters.

You might be tempted to buy the cute, little Mellowcreme pumpkins instead of candy corn, but don't be fooled. While they have their rightful place high in the hierarchy of the candy food chain, they should not be eaten in place of the Corn. The Corn is the ruler of all candy.

Be warned that you should not eat too much candy corn at one time. This will make you regret eating it and could possibly cause you to momentarily waiver in your belief of its superiority. Thankfully, you will eventually forget your stomach aches and start to crave it once again. It's kind of like having kids. The pain of childbirth gently fades away in your memory until one day you get a glimpse of a cute, dimply baby and voila! Pregnant again.

Where was I? Oh yes. My sugar-induced coma. My exaggerated sense of well-being. These are both side effects of eating candy corn. While they are not unpleasant, I would advise you to not operate heavy machinery or make any big decisions after partaking of the corn until you know how it will affect your mental processes.

For example:

Abby just walked into the room, read the title of this post and asked, "Who is Candy Corn?" After I regained my composure at my obvious lapse in motherly responsibilities, I informed her that candy corn is not a person and pulled up a picture for her on Google Images.

She started laughing hysterically that I would actually be writing a letter to a piece of candy.

You understand now the depth of my addiction.

She then asked me if we had some candy corn that she could eat.

"Not anymore," I said.

I was lying.

Asleep at the wheel

It's late. I am supposed to be studying for the dreaded math test, but here I sit, falling asleep at my computer. This is not a good sign. I only have two classes and I'm already tired. I'm hoping it's like exercising; the first few weeks are a killer, but after a while you get into your groove and while it's still hard, you don't run out of breath quite as quickly. At least that's what I'm going to tell myself.

But for now, I feel like my brain is going to explode. It's harder than I thought it would be because this part of my mind hasn't been used in a long time. I had to do some math as a pharmacy tech; proportions and that sort of thing, but polynomials and distributive property are terms I vaguely remember hearing, but for the life of me I can't seem to remember how to use them. Honestly, I'm not terribly worried. I make it sound much worse than it is. It's slowly coming back to me, but I've never been a patient person. If I have to start at the bottom of the math barrel, then so be it. That's probably what I need to do anyway so I can have a firm foundation to build on.

So for now, I'm trying my best. But still...they should have an airbag installed on computers for when you fall asleep and and hit your head on the screen.

food for thought...

Abby:  "Mom?  Why do boys sometimes order girl cheese sandwiches?"

A play in three acts

The cast:  Mom and Abby

The plot:  A series of conversations between mother and daughter.

The setting:  Sacrament meeting.

Act One

(Congregation is folding their arms reverently during our five-minute -- no lie, it was FIVE MINUTES -- opening prayer.  At about minute number two, Abby starts to fidget.)

Abby (using a hushed voiced that barely qualifies as a whisper):  "Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  When are we going to be done?"

Mom:  "We just started, Abby.  We have about an hour left in the meeting."

Abby:  "One hour?  Is that a long time?"

Me:  "Well, ya kinda."

Abby:  "Uuuuuuuuuuuh.  Nooooooooooooo."

Me:  "Fold your arms and stop talking!"

(Next scene, during minute four of never-ending prayer)

Abby: "Mom.  Mom.  Mom.  Mom."

Me:  "Whaaaaat?!?"

Abby (using the whiniest voice she can possibly muster):  "This is the loooooongest prayer EVER."


Act Two

(Congregation is bowing their heads reverently as the sacrament is passed.  I take that back.  Everyone except my children are bowing their heads reverently.)

Abby:  "Mom?  Your arms look like Sponge Bob's"

Me:  "..........."


Act Three

(Congregation is getting restless.  Sacrament meeting is running in overtime, probably due to the aforementioned five-minute prayer.)

Abby (Not even bothering with the whisper this time):  "Mom, do you know how to say hello in Hawaii-an?  Alooooooooooha!"

Me:  "Wow, that's awesome!"

Abby:  "I am so smart, huh."

Me: "Yes you are definitely a smart girl."

Abby:  "Yup.  My brain is getting lots of wrinkles."

(Mom laughs out loud, congregation sings "We Are All Enlisted" and curtain closes on yet another successful sacrament meeting.)

Isn't this nice?

Typical family dinner at my house:

It's like someone had a camera installed in my kitchen...and then made a cartoon out of it.

Except a few things need to be added.  Like musical chairs.  And kids choking.  And me laughing so hard I have to leave to room.

How to argue with a woman

I saw this picture on in-your-face book and it made me chuckle:

Sad, but true...

Ha ha ha!  Isn't this so TRUE?

Every time I wander into this section of the library I am bombarded with the sight of more and more "vampire" books.  While it does not disgust me as much as the picture suggests, it does make me laugh quite a bit.