Putting on my big-girl pants

It's interesting how historic milestones in my life often sneak up on me quickly and quietly. I'm so busy speeding through my days that by the time I look around and see what's outside my window, I nearly speed right pass the scenery without having a moment to apply my brakes and enjoy the view. Or better yet, pull over and take a few pictures.

Tomorrow is one of those days, for it is my eldest's 18th birthday.

I can't believe it. I knew it was coming; this moment when I would be the mother of an adult. I have thought about it from time to time over the past two decades, but it always seemed to feel so far away. Now it's here and I am left feeling a little bewildered. Shouldn't I be getting an award of some sort?

"Congratulations, you kept him alive."

I guess that's something. In fact, that's downright unbelievable considering what I know now about that brand new, 21 year-old Mom I was back in 1996. Thank heaven for that user manual I got when he was born. Oh? You didn't get one? I still have my copy. It's called "Go Ask Your Parents". It's well-used and will hopefully remain in circulation for a long time to come because I still don't have the directions straight.

Is this milestone the one that marks the place in time when I finally start acting and feeling like a grown-up? No kidding around this time. It's the real deal. Tomorrow I will feel like a genuine adult, not just a kid who is pretending to be an adult. No more training pants for me. I successfully bred and raised a human. Bring on the wisdom. And give it to me quickly, please, because I still have three more to go.

What Moms really want for Mother's Day

Breakfast in bed? No thank you, the thought is nice but what I really want is a couple extra hours of sleep. So yesterday my boys took Abby, made her breakfast and quietly entertained her downstairs while I slept until 10. I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to sleep that late. It was the best Mother's day ever!! After I woke up, Abby came in my room and set a cupcake I had made the night before on my nightstand. "Happy Mothers Day!" she said. She is such a sweetheart.

I'm glad I got to have that relaxing day yesterday because this week is going to be a busy one for me. Whenever I know I have a lot of activities and responsibilities coming up I start to get Restless Mind Syndrome. You ever heard of that before? It's a thing. Well, at least I say it is. And I have a severe case of it today. It's funny how just the other day I felt like a slug, but today my mind feels like it's constantly buzzing, twitching and fluttering around from one thing to another. You wanna know what I usually do when I feel like this? Besides wandering aimlessly around the house? I sit down and write. It's a great way to externalize all of the endless jabbering. As I write down my thoughts it's almost like I am filing them away somewhere in cyberspace. They're not really gone, just a little quieter. The only problem is that lately when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. It's like I am having a hard time connecting with the part of my brain that allows me to remember the alphabet and basic vocabulary. It's maddening. Yup...I am a restless, restless girl.

Maybe my restlessness today comes from having a lot on my mind. It's the beginning of the busy season. The kids are winding up the school year, which means award events, band concerts, class parties and field days. I also have summer vacations to plan, spring cleaning on the brain, and let's just take a moment to mention that I got a new calling as a counselor in the stake YW. While I am very excited about this new challenge, it is tempered with the knowledge that I am the counselor assigned to help with our stake girl's camp in June (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Yes, that was me freaking out. We have a great camp committee so I really don't have to be freaking out so much, but alas it is my nature to freak out about things in general. I didn't realize how busy this calling is going to be and quite frankly, I doubt my ability to keep up without losing it. This week alone I have a seminary morningside, ward visits, leadership training, camp certification, camp committee meeting and a ward conference. That's a lot of stuff and a lot of dresses I need to wear. Time to update my wardrobe, I think. Unless I want to wear the same 3 dresses over and over.

The kids have been on my mind a lot too. But of course they always are. They each have their own struggles, but they also have a lot of good things happening in their lives. Alex will be a senior this year, Nate starts high school, Seth starts junior high and Abby will be in school full time as a little first grader! Yes, this is going to be a year of change. It pretty much scares the bejeebers out of me.

Shawn is doing well at his new job in the ER. He loves the variety in his day, but is also feeling the effects of seeing some pretty awful things. It takes a toll on him and some days when he comes home I can tell it's been a hard day. I'm not sure if a person ever gets used to things like that. I think it takes a lot of courage to see death and suffering every day. But Shawn is a compassionate person and an excellent nurse. I wish I could be more like him.

My brain has also been racing again with the idea of going back to school. I know I already talked about this a few weeks back but I can't seem to get it out of my head. So I am pleased to announce that I took the first step and ordered my transcripts from WAY back when I went to the University of Utah! I don't have a ton of credit since I only attended part time for about 18 months, but something is better than nothing and it feels good to know I have a little bit of a head start. Now I need to see if I qualify for some financial aid and decide where I want to take my first classes. Any ideas?? The community college would be the least expensive, but I would rather take online classes from the U of U or the University of Phoenix. I guess I need to see how much everything would cost, since that would probably be the deciding factor of where I would go at first. Plus I need to decide if I am actually going to do it and what I want to major in. I suppose that's pretty important too. Ha ha.

So there it is. My crazy life and crazy mind. But amidst all of the craziness there are bright and sunny moments that make my day. Like Mothers Day. And sleep. And each of my kids (even the teenagers) giving me hugs and telling me they love me. I'm a lucky girl.

First world problem

Today it's cold and rainy and my 11 year old heads out the door to school without a coat.

"You should wear a jacket. It's cold and rainy," I say.

"Oh, it's nice out there...I'll be fine," says he.

Now because I'm trying my very, very best to let my kids learn their own lessons, I watched him leave the house with the knowledge that he would surely be miserable. But what's really the worst thing that could happen? He's cold. He's wet. Big deal. He's not gonna die. So why do I think of this every time I look out the window?

Sigh....

Such big problems I have. ;)

From Soccer Mom to Stalker Mom

I loved it when my boys were all babies.  I was their whole world and I held that world in the palm of my little hand. I fed them, I bathed them, I colored with them. I played Pokemon, Legos and Thomas the Train. I drove them to play dates, to the zoo, to Grandma's house and watched them swat mosquitoes on the little league outfield and get kicked in the shins playing soccer. I was a good little soccer mom, too. I always brought the best treats...none of this "carrot stick and string cheese" business. It was all sugar, all the time! Yeah!

And then they became teenagers.

Not only did their world get considerably bigger, I became a little teeny tiny dot on the map. Now my days are filled with anxiety and questions. "Why isn't he home? Why hasn't he called yet? Did he remember his wallet? Is he too tired to drive? Did he run out of gas? I hope he wore his seat belt. Oh dear, I bet he's been in an accident. I'm sure he's unconscious on the road somewhere. Should I just peek at the iPhone locator one more time to see where he is?"

And then it hits me. I have become a stalker mom. An obsessive compulsive, control freak who is gripped with panic when her children are not in her sight. I'm THAT mom. The one who still tells them to be careful crossing the street. The one who has the phone number of every friend her kids have ever had so I can track them down if I ever needed to. The one who sends her sons on a scout camp with a whole set of luggage filled with thermals and extra socks after giving them a firm lecture on staying with the camp and not leaving food in their tent. I swear to you that I am one step away from implanting a monitor on the back of their necks like in Ender's Game.

To all of those moms out there with married kids and empty nests I ask: how do you do it? How do you let go and release your babies into the world where they can live their own lives and learn things the hard way? It seems impossible. I admit that I am struggling more than just a bit. But at the same time I think of myself at their age; my whole life ahead of me, full of promise. Most of the time I felt confident in my ability to navigate the world around me. So why can't I let them enjoy the same freedom?

I can think of a couple of people in my life who were and are still really good at letting their children be their own person. (Yes, Mom and Dad - I'm talking about you). They listen, they give advice only when asked and most of all, they let us fall down once in a while and we become stronger for it.

But it's just so difficult. It's this urge I have; this dang maternal instinct that tells me to wrap them in their blankies and rock them to sleep. It's powerful; it's overwhelming; it makes me wanna roar like a mamma bear. But I am beginning to understand the important role I have in raising resilient children who can problem-solve and be responsible adults. I literally have to bite my tongue most of the time to restrain the outpouring of advice that will surely spew from my mouth whenever my kids come up against an obstacle, either large or small, but I am trying, dang it!

And so I keep trying. To let them be their own person, to let them fail (or not fail) and to just let them find out if they can do some things for themselves.

But most of all to NOT be the reason they wind up in therapy. :)

The pictures say it all...

I have happy things to talk about after yesterday's rant about the spiteful month of January.

I went on a cruise baby!

A CRUISE!

It was awesome.  Really.  I can't stress it enough how awesome it was.  It was warm, sunny, happy and just plain fun.  Go on...be jealous.

Here are a few of my favorite pics:

Chillin on the sun deck

Towel animals!  Yay!

Abby and her new penguin hat.  Because that's what she wanted from Catalina.  A penguin hat. (?)

Alex strikes a pose.

Mario Kart...Catalina style

Abby, Seth and Kade enjoying the beachiness.

Awwwww!

Catalina Island

All fancied up for Christmas Eve dinner.

La Bufadora, Ensenada

Me showing off my cool new bag I bought at the market in Mexico.  Notice my photo bomber and the sketchy pharmacy.

Best fish tacos EVER

The view from my cabin window

Nate showing off his abs in the pool

Eatin' lunch with Grandma.
This was a spectacular view from the back of the ship.

Life is sweet.  :)

Growing up is optional

My eldest child turned 17 last week.  I have mixed feelings about this birthday.  On one hand, I am excited for him;  he is just starting his life and has so many opportunities ahead of him.  Yet I am scared for him too.  He has so much to learn and I know he will have trials that I can no longer shield him from.  It's a weird feeling.  This birthday has also been a unwelcome reminder of my advancing age.  Here is my official list entitled "20 signs that you are approaching middle age":

1.  You realize you have known your spouse for more than half your life.
2.  When you get together with your friends, you realize that you enjoy discussing your various physical ailments.
3.  Your idea of a good time is staying at home watching Netflix in your pajamas.
4.  "Dressing up" means putting on a bra.
5.  You stop telling people that you are going to "grow old gracefully".
6.  You dye your hair because you have to, not because you want to.
7.  You actually have a strategic plan for how you are going to someday grow out your gray hair and stop coloring it.  I'm serious.
8.  You are happy to be done having kids, but start to realize you are going to miss some things about having babies.
9.  You realize that you are never again going to plan a first-birthday party.
10.  You begin to dream about future grandchildren and start saving toys "just in case". (see number 8).
11.  You wake up from that dream in a cold sweat.
12.  You try to go back to sleep, grateful that you are finally at a time in your life when you get a chance to sleep through the night, but your traitorous body doesn't let you.
13.  The reasons your body doesn't let you sleep at night are sometimes the same reasons why it won't move the next morning.
14.  You understood the previous statement without having to think about it.
15.  Your youngest child is a brat, but you really couldn't care less.
16.  People start to think you are learning to be patient, but...(see number 15).
17.  Sitting on the floor is NEVER a good idea.
18.  In fact, even getting up from the floor after sitting for longer than, oh, ten minutes usually results in cramped leg muscles, sore hips and an arthritic hobble across the room.  This is usually followed by one of your teenagers mocking you.
19.  Speaking of teenagers, you don't understand half of what they are talking about and you have had conversations where they explain to you what "hashtag" means.
20.  The fact that you even HAVE teenagers is proof enough.

Happy birthday Alex!  :)

Regret

I sit before you a changed woman.  My youngest is now officially in school.

There are no more babies in my house.  I know I put on a good show the other day about how excited I was, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.  But I take it back.  I sent Abby into class today (where she quite willingly went) and then walked home by myself to an empty house.  Yes, I cried just a little, right before I wandered around aimlessly, followed by a glassy-eyed stare out the window.  At this point I decided I better do something productive, so I rearranged my furniture, which is really just a way for me to assert my control over one aspect of my life because I feel like I've lost control over another.  See?  I am learning something in therapy.

Three hours later I was walking myself back to the school, ten minutes early.  I chatted nonchalantly with another mom while I was stealing glances at the Kindergarten door every thirty seconds.  Abby walked out a few minutes later with the biggest smile on her little face.  "Mommy!" she giggled and ran to me for a hug.  We walked hand-in-hand back to our house while she talked about the day's adventures and I realized something--I really shouldn't wish it away too soon.  And I won't.  I will cherish this time with her because there is one thing I can live without: regret.

The Girl in a Whirl

In my little world the fact that I actually made lunches for kids to take to school today is a small miracle.  Then I remembered this poem I heard many years ago.  All I can say to women everywhere is this --

Drop the guilt!!

The Girl in a Whirl         by ‘Dr. Sue’ (a.k.a. Vickie Gunther)  
         "Look at me, look at me, look at me now!
         You could do what I do
         If you only knew how.
         I study the scriptures one hour each day;
         I bake,
         I upholster,
         I scrub,
         and I pray.
         I always keep all the commandments completely;
         I speak to my little ones gently and sweetly.
         I help in their classrooms!
         I sew all they wear!
         I drive them to practice!
         I cut all their hair!
         I memorize names of the General Authorities;
         I focus on things to be done by priorities.
         I play the piano!
         I bless with my talents!
         My toilets all sparkle!
         My checkbooks all balance!
         Each week every child gets a one-on-one date;
         I attend all my meetings (on time!  Never late!)
  
         I’m taking a class on the teachings of Paul,
  
         But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all .
         I track my bad habits ’til each is abolished;
         Our t-shirts are ironed!
         My toenails are polished!
         Our family home evenings are always delightful;
         The lessons I give are both fun and insightful.
         I do genealogy faithfully, too.
         It’s easy to do all the things that I do!
         I rise each day early, refreshed and awake;
         I know all the names of each youth in my stake!
         I read to my children!
         I help all my neighbors!
         I bless the community, too, with my labors.
         I exercise and I cook menus gourmet;
         My visiting teaching is done the first day!
         (I also go do it for someone who missed hers.
         It’s the least I can do for my cherished ward sisters.)
         I chart resolutions and check off each goal;
         I seek each “lost lamb” on my Primary roll.
         I can home-grown produce each summer and fall.
         But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all .
         I write in my journal!
         I sing in the choir!
         Each day, I write “thank you’s” to those I admire.
         My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!
         My kids get straight A’s!
         And their bedrooms are clean!
         I have a home business to help make some money;
         I always look beautifully groomed for my honey.
         I go to the temple at least once a week;
         I change the car’s tires!
         I fix the sink’s leak!
  
         I grind my own wheat and I bake all our bread;
         I have all our meals planned out six months ahead.
         I make sure I rotate our two-years’ supply;
         My shopping for Christmas is done by July!
         These things are not hard;
         ’tis good if you do them;
         You can if you try!
         Just set goals and pursue them!
         It’s easy to do all the things that I do!
         If you plan and work smart, you can do them all, too!
         It’s easy!” she said...

        and then she dropped dead."

Isn't this nice?

Typical family dinner at my house:

It's like someone had a camera installed in my kitchen...and then made a cartoon out of it.

Except a few things need to be added.  Like musical chairs.  And kids choking.  And me laughing so hard I have to leave to room.

the things we handed down

I listened to a song today that I haven't heard in...well, years.  I was looking at my oldest son and reflecting on how much he is like me.  That always leads to a fervent prayer that my less than favorable traits have passed him and the rest of my kids by, but I know that's unlikely.  Anyway, it reminded me of this song and I just wanted to put it on this page in hopes that it will get out of my head.

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

Why?

Why is being a good mom so much harder than being a bad mom?