Hope

Trying to be positive

Thinking is overrated

Remind me of this fact the next time I decide to do something new with my life. Give me a sleazy paperback and a bag of candy to lure me away from temptation. Because do you know what happens to Megan when she has to use more than 10% of her brain? She turns into evil, irritating, cyborg Megan who is a cross between an angsty teenager and an angry chihuahua. If you ever decide to finish your unfinished business just remember that You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile! Run away! Run far, far away!

Now that you have a visual, I'm assuming I don't need to update you on the status of my life.

Deep thought

"If you give a man a fish, you will feed him for a day.

If you teach a man to fish, you will feed him for a lifetime.

If you feed him to a shark, he will quit bugging you for food."

Putting on my big-girl pants

It's interesting how historic milestones in my life often sneak up on me quickly and quietly. I'm so busy speeding through my days that by the time I look around and see what's outside my window, I nearly speed right pass the scenery without having a moment to apply my brakes and enjoy the view. Or better yet, pull over and take a few pictures.

Tomorrow is one of those days, for it is my eldest's 18th birthday.

I can't believe it. I knew it was coming; this moment when I would be the mother of an adult. I have thought about it from time to time over the past two decades, but it always seemed to feel so far away. Now it's here and I am left feeling a little bewildered. Shouldn't I be getting an award of some sort?

"Congratulations, you kept him alive."

I guess that's something. In fact, that's downright unbelievable considering what I know now about that brand new, 21 year-old Mom I was back in 1996. Thank heaven for that user manual I got when he was born. Oh? You didn't get one? I still have my copy. It's called "Go Ask Your Parents". It's well-used and will hopefully remain in circulation for a long time to come because I still don't have the directions straight.

Is this milestone the one that marks the place in time when I finally start acting and feeling like a grown-up? No kidding around this time. It's the real deal. Tomorrow I will feel like a genuine adult, not just a kid who is pretending to be an adult. No more training pants for me. I successfully bred and raised a human. Bring on the wisdom. And give it to me quickly, please, because I still have three more to go.

Dear Candy Corn, I love you.

Hi. My name is Megan and I am a candy corn addict... er... I mean, expert. Ya. That's the word I was looking for.

It's an obsession, really. I blame my mother. She is the cause of all of my food addictions. Homemade pies, bread, cinnamon rolls and don't even get me started on the sugar cookies. I grew up knowing that all of my problems could easily be remedied with some sort of comfort food. And believe me, its true.

If you share my "expertise" with candy corn, you know that there are certain rules in place. First of all, you never buy any brand but Brach's. All of the others are garbage and if you buy it you'll end up saying silly and blasphemous things like, "I hate candy corn."

Second, you only eat candy corn in the Fall and you only eat the white, orange and yellow ones. You shouldn't buy "bunny corn", "cupid corn", "reindeer corn" or even the white, orange and brown corn because that is just wrong. The other colors are wannabes. Why tamper with perfection? Trust me, it matters.

You might be tempted to buy the cute, little Mellowcreme pumpkins instead of candy corn, but don't be fooled. While they have their rightful place high in the hierarchy of the candy food chain, they should not be eaten in place of the Corn. The Corn is the ruler of all candy.

Be warned that you should not eat too much candy corn at one time. This will make you regret eating it and could possibly cause you to momentarily waiver in your belief of its superiority. Thankfully, you will eventually forget your stomach aches and start to crave it once again. It's kind of like having kids. The pain of childbirth gently fades away in your memory until one day you get a glimpse of a cute, dimply baby and voila! Pregnant again.

Where was I? Oh yes. My sugar-induced coma. My exaggerated sense of well-being. These are both side effects of eating candy corn. While they are not unpleasant, I would advise you to not operate heavy machinery or make any big decisions after partaking of the corn until you know how it will affect your mental processes.

For example:

Abby just walked into the room, read the title of this post and asked, "Who is Candy Corn?" After I regained my composure at my obvious lapse in motherly responsibilities, I informed her that candy corn is not a person and pulled up a picture for her on Google Images.

She started laughing hysterically that I would actually be writing a letter to a piece of candy.

You understand now the depth of my addiction.

She then asked me if we had some candy corn that she could eat.

"Not anymore," I said.

I was lying.

Abby: the grown up first-grader

I was walking Abby to school this morning when she saw the kindergarten kids lined up outside.

Abby:  "Mom, those kids only go to school for three hours, right?"

Me:  "Right."

Abby:  "Ahhhh....those were the good old days."

Yes, indeed. :)

Adventures of a middle-age college student

Here I sit, in between classes, at my first day of school. I feel a bit like I did in High School; not knowing what to do with myself and not sure where I fit in. I had my first class this morning on HTML and Javascript where I learned where the internet came from and that Al Gore didn't, in fact, create it as he loves to claim. He was just in charge of the sub-committee in congress that pushed the legislation through which allowed everyone access to it, not just the government and big businesses. Just a little tidbit of information for you.

Anyway, I think I will like the class and it doesn't seem nearly as difficult as I had first imagined. The instructor is easy going and funny and seems like he is open to questions and discussion. I was one of only three women there and definitely one of the oldest in the room. I sort of expected that, but it still took me a little by surprise and left me feeling somewhat out of place. It's funny that I am going into a field that is mostly male dominated and Shawn went into a field that is female dominated. I guess we balance each other out that way. I just hope that I can do this. By the end of the semester I think I will know. I hope. In the meantime, I will just do my best, work hard and try to squash that tiny voice in my head that's telling me I am out of my league, I'm too old to succeed, and I might as well give up now before I get my hopes up and fail miserably.

Well, it's almost time for my next class. College student extraordinaire!

Wish me luck. :)

warm fuzzies

I woke up today with this yucky, stubborn, selfish feeling. I had a service project to go do and I wasn't looking forward to it. I was going to be gone for half the day and I knew it was going to be hard work. I know...I'm supposed to rejoice in the service of others and I had a terrible attitude, but it's the truth. I'm just keepin' it real, folks. So I drove up the canyon to a girl's camp called Oakcrest to help close the camp for the summer. Since the girls in our stake get to participate in the camp every year, we get the assignment every couple of years to help set it up or take it down. Anyway, there's lots of cleaning involved and it's a huge piece of property with probably 20 cabins and a giant lodge. You get the picture.

But the most interesting thing happens when you spend some time helping others. I don't know how many times I am going to have to learn this lesson, because I am no stranger to service projects, but it's amazing to me how your attitude can go from downright nasty to warm and fuzzy in a matter of a few hours. It was a simple assignment. I wasn't changing the world or anything, but I came home feeling rejuvenated, motivated and just....happy. I cleaned my house, I hugged my kids and for the first time in several weeks I felt grateful for my life in all it's craziness and dysfunction.

So I have learned again today that if you really want a change of heart, it comes from helping others. From getting out of yourself and giving your strength to someone who needs it.

It's a road to all things warm and fuzzy.

A few random things

School starts in two weeks, people! I recently purchased my TWO books for my classes at a whopping $245. Seriously? And they are used books too. I was completely disgusted. You would think that after going through years of school with Shawn that I would be past the sticker shock, but apparently I'm not.

What else... ok, our camping trip last weekend was fun. I have not a single picture to prove we were there, however. I forgot my real camera and I am out of space on my phone. But that's ok. We had a great time, despite a few little scrapes and bruises on my two eldest children who think they can just long board or bike their way down a steep hill without any consequences. Plus one of them was not wearing helmet at the time, which sent me into a fit of motherly rage while simultaneously giving me a nice, big serving of motherly guilt. Hey! Everyone! I'm the mom who let her kid bike around recklessly without a helmet! Oh the shame!

Mother of the year right here, folks.

Everything else in our lives is what you think it would be. Getting ready for school, mourning the end of summer, trying to calm the extreme case of jitters caused by my first real semester of college since 1995 looming in the near future. Sometimes I think I am just out of my mind. I opened my book about HTML and thought I was going to have a heart attack. It's like someone just dropped me into some foreign language class and assumed I already knew how to conjugate the verbs and ask "where can I find the bathroom?" I'm scared. Really, truly scared.

Another Abby moment

Abby:  "Mom? Is Dad good at home stuff AND work stuff?"

Me:  "Ya, Dad's pretty much good at everything."

Abby:  "You're only good at home stuff. Like doing laundry. Oh well! Dads will be Dads!"

Well, at least she thinks I'm good at something.

What? Again?

Yup. Here we go again! This weekend is our annual Crockett Camping Extravaganza. Due to some technical difficulties, we had to cancel our reservation at Wolf Creek because a) Amy and I drove up there and the campsite was the suckiest one I have ever seen and b) we found out (through very weird circumstances) that a particularly rambunctious group of people were going to stay there during the same time as us. We knew that there was going to be a lot of partying going on until o'dark thirty about 20 yards from us and thinking of that just made me feel cranky. And when I'm cranky I can actually be very rude and possibly make Shawn start a fight for me. I need my sleep and I really don't want to hear the alcohol induced frivolity that will ensue until who knows when. Plus there isn't a camp host on site to keep them under control. Of course, we could always let the younger kids wake up early and ride their bikes all over the campsite screaming at the top of their lungs the next morning, which is probably what they would do anyway. That would be mildly amusing. But not enough to make me want to stay there for any length of time. The party animals can just have at it.

But luckily (through more weird circumstances) we got reservations at a campground near Payson Lakes. I am so excited about it! It's looks like a nice place and I love the fact that we are going somewhere new. I love camping!

But why do I love camping? Why do I persist? Why do I voluntarily drive hours to the middle of nowhere so that other people can hear me yell at my kids? I'm not sure what drives me to this madness, but for some reason, we continue to go every year. It really is a lot of work, don't you think? Whenever I start packing, I feel a little like we are planning an evacuation. With all of the stoves, axes, firewood, lanterns, food to feed us for days on end and various types of clothing in case of extreme temperatures like rain, or in my case a few weeks ago, SNOW, it seriously feels like we are expecting a zombie apocalypse or something. But, ahhhh....there is something about the mountain air and getting away from the routine of life that is so appealing I will literally do anything, including all the work that comes with camping, for a little taste of nature at it's finest. Not to mention those stars at night. They make me feel like a tiny speck in the universe. It helps me get out of myself and get out of my head for just a few days. It really is a glorious feeling.

So there ya go. I guess I just answered my own question. A'camping we will go. :)

Communing with nature

Well, we are back from our adventurous camping trip where many memories were made, some good, some bad, some downright ridiculous.

We went up to Moosehorn Lake this year and it was absolutely beautiful! The campground isn't as nice as we are used to, but the view of the lake with the mountain in the background made up for it.

When we got up to the campground around 11:00, we found a perfect spot just 50 yards from the lake and set up camp. We were so excited! We ate lunch, visited the lake a few times, played a couple of games and then 2 hours later the camp host came around to tell us that someone else had come up early in the morning and paid for the spot, so we had to move. We didn't think that was really the way it was supposed to work, since it was a first-come, first-serve site and they weren't even occupying it, but apparently the first one with the money always wins. They didn't even leave a tent or a chair or a dang roasting stick to show that someone was staying there! We were more than a little upset about the situation because in the mean time, the campground had filled up since it was now late in the afternoon on a Friday. Luckily, a family staying across from us had reserved 3 spots, but had decided not to use one and offered to give it to us and we could just pay them for it, they wouldn't lose their money, we would still have a place to camp and all would be well. The camp host didn't like that, of course, because she wanted us to pay her for the site and let the other people forfeit their money because they weren't occupying the space. So essentially she would get paid twice, but Shawn basically told her where to go and we paid the nice family instead.

Anyway....once we broke down camp and set it all up again, we had a GREAT time!!! I really love the mountains and it was so neat to be up there with our family. We laughed a lot and I was so grateful to have the opportunity for us to be together without any distractions. As my family has grown up, I have noticed that those times you have with just your little family grow fewer and farther between. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I got a piece of it back again. Even with the campsite fiasco, this was such a fun trip. Here's a few highlights. I am bad at remembering to take pictures, so there are literally only a few:

Seth and Abbers exploring Moosehorn lake. These pictures really don't do justice to how pretty it was.

Chillin' with a game of Okinawa Gin

Doing some more chillin' by the fire

Hiking time! On our way down the trail to Fehr and Shepard Lakes. 

Our first stop: Fehr Lake. Not as pretty as Moosehorn, but still nice.

Abby making sure we are going the right way.

Fehr Lake

Nate contemplating nature as we took a little rest.

I need to interject here to talk a little about this hike. First of all, Shawn couldn't go with us because he had tweaked his back the day before and was walking like he had a bent hanger up his wazoo. So I decided to take the kids alone. I can do that, right? I am a Camper with a capital C! I can hike the heck out of these mountains! So anyway, when we were at home before we left for the trip I went online to look up hikes in the area and this one was described as "family friendly" and something that would be good for children. The hike included three lakes: Fehr, Shepard and Hoover and was about 3 miles round trip. We figured we could easily go to Shepard lake and back with no problem since that would only be two miles and it's going to be so family friendly, right? We got to Fehr Lake with no problem. It was only half a mile in and was more like a casual stroll. No big deal. That was probably the part they meant when they said "family friendly." Then we started the next half mile to Shepard lake. As we descended further and further into the valley, I was starting to get a little worried about the way back. So I'm having this conversation with myself that went something like this:

"Hmmm...this is going to be rough going for Abby, oh who am I kidding, for ME, on the way back up the trail. Plus that sky is getting awfully dark. Was that thunder I just heard? Wow, these rocks are getting bigger. But it's only half a mile, right? I mean, that's only two times around a track. We can SO do this. Yup, that was a definitely a rain drop I just felt. But it's all good; it's just water. So we get a little wet. I mean, so what? Ok, I am looking down the trail and all I see is that we are heading vertically down into a sea of pine trees. But I'm just being a wimp. This is family friendly. Family...huff...huff....friendly."

30 minutes later:

"Ok, I'm getting worried because it's raining and thundering a little, the rocks are slippery, but I'm playin' it cool. Don't want the kids to freak out because I'm freaking out. It's all good. We're almost there. Should we just turn around? No, we aren't turning around. It's only half a mile for cryin' out loud! But I'm starting to think about all of those articles I've been reading about hikers getting lost in the woods. Man, now I'm just psyching myself out. The trail is my friend. The internet said so. It must be true."

15 minutes after that:

"OH MY GOSH! WE'RE NEVER GOING TO GET THERE!"

And then like a miracle from heaven, I could see the tiniest bit of lake peeking through the pine trees. It took us close to an hour to navigate that last half a mile of friendly trail. When we reached Shepard Lake, the sky was about to dump on us for real, so we paused just long enough to take this picture to prove we actually made it.

Shepard Lake. Not sure if it was pretty or not, because we literally made a run for it after this photo was taken.

So back up the trail we went. Much harder that way (at least for me; my boys would have been running if it weren't for us sissy girls). But especially harder because it was raining and the rocks were slippery and I was holding the hand of a precious little six year old who is most definitely not used to walking very far. So it took us well over an hour to hike the one mile back to the trail head. However, in Abby's defense, she did VERY well. There was minimal complaining, other than the occasional "Can we go back to our trailer now?" and one time when she said she just wanted to go home. I, on the other hand, have no defense. I am just an out-of-shape, 40 year old, paranoid mother who should not be allowed to take her children hiking.

Needless to say, I was a little bit relieved to return to the campsite, but also proud that I only freaked out on the inside. But we really did have a good time and it was a very pretty hike. It would have been a piece of cake if we would not have taken Abby with us. She slowed us down a bit, wanting to hold someone's hand the whole time and being a little afraid to jump down the big rocks. Plus the rain didn't make it any easier, but if I ever go on the same hike again, I will probably come prepared with a husband, a rain coat and a possibly a Xanax.

That night was awesome. After the clouds cleared, the stars came out and took our breath away like they always do. We played cards, we ate junk food, we lounged around in our awesome new tent trailer, and basically had a great time spending some much needed time together away from the stress of life.

Now it's back to reality, baby. (Like school that starts in 28 days! Eeek!)

Nothing and everything

I'm not sure where I am going with this one. I just know I need to write. About nothing and everything at the same time.

I guess I'll start with the life update.

Shawn had one of his patients die the other day at the ER. I know that it happens all the time in an ER and in a hospital but this was the first of Shawn's actual patients that died and I think it hit him harder than he thought it would. How does a person really get used to that? I guess you don't. Humanity won't let you. But you build up defenses against it and right now Shawn's defenses are in their beginning stages. So there's that.

The kids are doing pretty well. They are bored, of course. It's summer, they've been waiting all year for it and now that it's here, they don't know what to do. But we're planning a camping trip this weekend with just the six of us so that will be interesting. We've never actually been on a camping trip with just us. We've always been with cousins or friends, so I am interested to see how the dynamic changes and if it will be a great experience or a disaster. Maybe a little of both and probably a memorable experience either way. As a side note, I was wondering if any of you have any bright ideas about how to keep a six year old girl occupied for 4 days in the wilderness? I think that will be our biggest challenge.

I am stressed beyond belief and wondering what the heck I was thinking when I thought I could do school and kids and callings and life all at the same time. Who do I think I am anyway? Super Mom? Wonder Woman? Elastigirl? I will just need to find a way to be flexible (get it? get it? oh nevermind), organized and keep up my motivation. I'm also thinking that this whole stay-up-til-one-in-the-morning-doing-homework business isn't going to work. I'm exhausted and I don't think I get much out of it anyway when I'm trying to stay up that late. I'm thinking that once everyone starts school, I will treat those 7 hours they are gone like my full time job. I will go to classes and spend the time in between studying. Then when they come home I can go into Mom mode and do my thing. I know Shawn has pledged his allegiance to my school plans and will help me as much as he can. So...all will be well. I need to stop worrying, keep breathing and know that everything will work out.

Asleep at the wheel

It's late. I am supposed to be studying for the dreaded math test, but here I sit, falling asleep at my computer. This is not a good sign. I only have two classes and I'm already tired. I'm hoping it's like exercising; the first few weeks are a killer, but after a while you get into your groove and while it's still hard, you don't run out of breath quite as quickly. At least that's what I'm going to tell myself.

But for now, I feel like my brain is going to explode. It's harder than I thought it would be because this part of my mind hasn't been used in a long time. I had to do some math as a pharmacy tech; proportions and that sort of thing, but polynomials and distributive property are terms I vaguely remember hearing, but for the life of me I can't seem to remember how to use them. Honestly, I'm not terribly worried. I make it sound much worse than it is. It's slowly coming back to me, but I've never been a patient person. If I have to start at the bottom of the math barrel, then so be it. That's probably what I need to do anyway so I can have a firm foundation to build on.

So for now, I'm trying my best. But still...they should have an airbag installed on computers for when you fall asleep and and hit your head on the screen.

Do you want to build a snowman?

Here is a picture of Pine Valley in my beloved Uintah Mountains in the middle of June, due to some freakishly cold, winter-ish storm that blew through for the three days that our Stake Girls Camp was scheduled to stay. If you didn't know better, you would think I took a trip to Canada, eh? And this picture was taken at an elevation of 7000 feet. I can only imagine what it looked like up at the top of the canyon at 10,000 feet. I found out later that most of the areas above us received 4-6 inches of new snow.

Let me just start by saying that we knew well before camp that we were in for some cold and wet weather. I mean, we do live in Utah after all, where the weather forecast is really just a lucky guess. We notified and warned every leader we could get a hold of, hoping that the girls would look past the 90 degrees they were feeling in the valley and try to picture themselves in the Uintah wilderness where weather forecasting is impossible, temperatures are just a shot in the dark and Mother Nature bats you around like a child's play thing. But alas, our warnings were ignored by some and not everyone was as prepared as we had hoped they would be. Some wards were ON it though! We had one ward in particular that had all their girls bring over their stuff to the leader's house the night before camp. She would quiz the parents and the girl on what they had packed and if they didn't have it, she sent them home for it and if they didn't own it, they better go beg, steal or borrow it or they weren't goin' to camp! Yay for great leaders!! They were by far the warmest and driest in our campground.

Our camp started off pretty normal; the stake and youth camp leaders got to camp around 5 on Monday, did some planning, roasted hot dogs and shivered around the fire for a while until we all decided to go to bed. The rain in the forecast had yet to start so we thought that just maybe the predicted cold front would miraculously move around our tiny camp.

The next morning it started off pretty cold, but nothing terribly unusual. The other campers arrived and had to set up in a drizzle of rain. It stayed pretty dry on and off for half the day and then it started to rain in earnest. Then it started to hail. Then it started to snow. Rain and cold we could do, but snow was definitely not on the agenda. Tents started to cave in and as we made our rounds to the different ward camps we realized that the girls were not prepared for this. The likelihood that temperatures would dip below freezing during the night, combined with the fact that most of them were already soaking wet (because they didn't listen to their mothers), made us seriously concerned for their safety. So we made the difficult decision to jump ship and head down the mountain to find somewhere warm and safe for the night.

Luckily (or maybe not luck?) we had some connections to a Bishop in Kamas who put us in touch with a ward who agreed to house us for the night in their ward building. When we got there, we set up our own gigantic slumber party in the gym and...surprise!...another stake girls camp was there already, snowed out of their campground as well. We felt extremely grateful that we had a warm and safe place for our 109 girls and I can't even describe how relieved I was that everybody was going to be ok and that these girls would be going home with all of their fingers and toes, plus an awesome story to tell. (I should take this time to mention that there were quite a few hysterical mothers who were very relieved as well). As we pulled into the parking lot of this stake center, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of relief and peace and I knew that we were in the right place. The Bishop cranked up the heat and the Relief Society president showed up to make all 200 of us hot chocolate while we thawed out.

Later on the next day, the sun started to peek out and most of the snow on the ground was melting, but the temperatures were still cold enough and all of our gear was wet enough that we were worried for the girl's safety for the coming night as well. We found that many tents that we had left up the night before were caved in from the weight of the snow and some had an inch of water sitting at the bottom. I imagined what it would have been like to be up there the previous night and I once again felt so relieved that we were spared that experience. So we decided to pack it in and send the girls home. Someone left this little surprise for us when we went back up to break down camp.



A snowman in June. It reminded me that no matter what obstacles you're up against, it's still ok to let yourself have some fun.

I learned quite a few other lessons from this experience. The first one I seem to learn over and over and over again and that is: never underestimate the Uintah Mountain weather. Those mountains create their own weather and I will say, at the risk of sounding very hippy-ish, I am certain they have their own souls. The hills are alive. How they must laugh at our feeble attempts to brave the elements!

"You think your $800 dollar tent will keep you dry? HA! I will show you what I think of you and your silly little tent!"

And down comes the snow that is so heavy, you can practically drink it. And then down comes the tent.

I also learned the value of listening. Really listening. To yourself, to your leaders, to the spirit. (To your mother). I learned to trust what I have to say and what I have heard whispered to my heart.

I learned that you should Always. Be. Prepared. Those boy scouts have a good thing goin' on with that whole motto. While I was surprisingly comfortable, many were completely miserable. How much easier is life if we just take a few minutes to prepare?

I learned how hard it is to be a leader. Well, I guess I already knew that one, but it was reinforced to me that it is difficult to be one of the people who makes hard calls and who receives the criticism that comes from it. It's usually not a comfortable place for me to be.

Last of all I learned that I have it in me to rise to a challenge. There are so many reasons why I always tell myself that I am not up for challenges; I am too weak, too sick, too afraid. But the reality is that I CAN do difficult things, make difficult decisions and let those decisions take their course. What's even more surprising is that I am OK with it. Even with all of the negative comments toward us about how we didn't prepare and warn everyone, how we should not have gone through with it and so on...I can just let it go. It seriously doesn't bother me! How awesome is that!?! I know we did the best that we could and while hind sight is 20/20, all we can do in the moment is make a decision and go for it, come rain or shine (or snow).

Panic attacks and other fun stuff

I can't even begin to explain how incredibly busy I have been lately. But apparently not so busy that I can't blog about it, right? Ha!

Birthday parties, mission farewells, anniversaries, father's day, homework, homework, homework and more homework. Did I mention that I have homework? Can you believe it? I HAVE HOMEWORK! My instructor (because that's what they're called nowadays...none of the "teacher" business) opened the class early, so I have been working my tushy off trying to get ahead so I don't fall behind when I go to Girls Camp this week.

Ahhhh... Girls Camp. In capital letters because it has been all Girls Camp, all the time here at my house. I cannot stop thinking about it. I eat, sleep (or in my case, NOT sleep) and drink it. It keeps me up at night and makes me slightly sick to my stomach. The other day I literally almost had a panic attack when I found out how cold it's going to be up there in the Uintahs this week. Highs in the 50's, lows in the 30's. Dang. That's frickin' cold. And we all know how much Megan loves to be cold.

Then there is the kids. Alex is off to go on tour to LA this week, Nate has a youth conference to go to and Seth has a birthday sleepover with his cousin. Abby gets to hang out with super cool Aunt Amy since I won't be around for this week, which we will now refer to as a hot mess. Thank heaven for my sister who is rescuing me in all sorts of ways and keeping this hot mess from literally going to my head.

Shawn gets to run around in between all of this hot mess and then go work his butt off like always. Ahhh...good times.

Well, I suppose I shall go sleep in my comfy warm bed for the last time before freezing various limbs off of my body this week in the mountains. Hopefully I will still have fingers to blog all about it.

Oh dear, what have I done

So I did it. I signed up for my first class. Guess when it starts? June 16th. Like, as in 10 days from now. It's just a beginning computer class, so it probably won't be a big deal, but it's one I need to get out of the way so I can take the fun stuff. Like programming and writing in HTML. Is it weird that I'm excited about that? Never mind. I know the answer to that. So now I get to study to take the Accuplacer test so I don't have to take 5th grade math all over again. Guess what? I don't remember how to do anything with fractions. But does any adult really know? Except for the ones who are studying for the Accuplacer test? I think not. But it's all coming back to me now. Although I did have one embarrassing moment when I had to ask my kids to remind me of the order of operations.

Don't worry! I'll be fine. I'll just have to find a way to sneak in my 11 year old.

My new mantra. And screensaver.

Sleep is, like, so overrated

Just kidding. It's not. Bedtime is my favorite part of the day. Because it's not just about sleeping - it's the perfect, slow motion, luxuriant, perfectly acceptable, non productive part of my day where I can snuggle into my 500 thread count sheets, lay down on my comfy pillow, read, play candy crush, put in my earplugs and then fall blissfully into slumber for 8 beautiful hours.

Errrrr....wait. Back up a bit. It's 5 a.m., I've been awake for 2 hours, so what the heck happened?

I'm not really sure, to be honest. Well, that's not entirely true. It's girls camp. I can't get it out of my head. I dream about it, I think about it, I obsess about it and it's cutting into my favorite part of the day so it needs to get here quickly and be over with so I may get back to my life in which I will most surely find something else to obsess about. (ummmm....school, do ya think?!?)

(insert big sigh here)

Anyway... whine, whine, whine, blah, blah, blah...you get the picture.

Killing time

I am playing the waiting game right now, so I thought I would kill some time and write. About what? Heck, I don't have a frickin' clue. I'll start by saying the first things that come to my mind (this could be interesting).

I am waiting for my admission letter to SLCC. I check the mail faithfully every day like a woman waiting for a love letter. It's just that I can't DO anything until I get that dang letter! It has my student id number, which is the magical passcode to all things collegiate, and I can't register for classes or take placement tests or figure out my financial aid or anything until I get that stupid letter! UGH!! I am the most impatient person I know.

I am also waiting to drive up the canyon with a bunch of women to check out our campsite for girls camp this year. I am pretty nervous about this since I am the one who chose the site and if it stinks then it's pretty much all my fault. I was supposed to go in 30 minutes but other late people are, surprise!, going to be late so I have to wait another hour. Another thing bugging me at the moment.

But I have a bit of good news! My crunched van is fixable, which can be good or bad depending on if your glass is half full or half empty. I've decided that it's a good thing because it means that a. I get to drive a new rental van around for a week and b. that I don't have to come up with money to purchase a new one. On the other hand, driving around this nice van makes me want a new car. Badly. Ah well...such is life I suppose. At least I have a vehicle and I don't have to take the scary bus all over the place like some people I know. Hey! Look at me being all positive and stuff! Woo hoo!

Let's see...Abby graduated Kindergarten a couple of days ago and their program was so dang cute I was on the verge of tears the entire time.

She's adorable. There just isn't any other words to describe her. I would also like to point out the fact that she is the only girl in her class who insisted on wearing her fanciest dress. She is part little girl and mostly princess, so I suppose it comes with the territory. She also sang a little solo in one of her songs, which I can't post for some reason. I think my iphone file isn't supported by this application or something. I don't know. Hey, that's something I will learn in school right? Or maybe one of you can enlighten me.

Seth had something the other day at school called a "wax museum". They got to choose a famous person, anybody they wanted, and do a report on them. Then they would dress up like the character, memorize a 30 second blurb about their life and all the classes and parents could come and visit. The kids would stand perfectly still and you would come up to them and press a button on their desk at which point they would give you their little speech. Seth chose to be David Tennant. In case you don't know who that is, which is probably all of you except for Tracy, he is the 10th doctor on the newest series of "Doctor Who". Seth is a little obsessed about it.

He looked pretty good, right down to his sonic screwdriver. What a nut! He did a good job though. He even spoke in a British accent when he did his speech! He is a funny and clever kid.

Well, I suppose that's it for now. I successfully filled my time up with something other than pacing the house so I am pretty proud of myself. Yay me!

Our exciting weekend

Life stays interesting here at the Shipleys. Shawn had to work on Saturday, so we basically did some housework, then lounged around until that night when we went over to our friend's house (the Bylunds) to see their oldest boy, Jordan, open his mission call. He's going to Independence, Missouri on an American Sign Language assignment. So exciting! He has studied ASL for four years and was over-the-top excited about it. I am so happy that he is happy. As his friends were all leaving, one of them backed out of the driveway and then this happened:

Oopsy! Luckily it's still drive-able, but we had to tape the headlight back in place. I think this probably means goodbye to what we call our "miracle van." It is so old I can't imagine the insurance company paying for the repair, so they will most likely pay out the value of the van instead. That is a bummer since it isn't worth much anymore. So I have mixed feelings about this. The van still runs great despite having almost 200,000 miles on it (Yay for Toyotas! Those Japanese know how to make 'em.). But I would love a new vehicle. We definitely can't afford much of a car payment, especially since we had to take out a small loan to pay for the air conditioner. I hate money (or the lack of it) and all the problems and stress it brings to our life! Then Sunday we spent the night at Craig and Wendi's and played games until 2 a.m., then hung out there all day Monday. So besides the humongous dent in the van, our weekend was pretty laid back and fun.

And I have good news! The air conditioner is being fixed right now and life will soon be nice and cool, which is a huge relief since it's going to be 90 degrees today. Summer decided to jump on in without warning. 

Bring it on!

Am I manic, or just out of my ever-lovin' mind?

It's the question of the day today.

I have big news.

No, really. It's big.

I just applied for college.

I'm doing it. I'm going back to school. I applied to SLCC and I am awaiting my acceptance letter, at which time I can start planning my college future. I am so scared; words cannot even express how scared I am. I decided to start by taking a computer class and an English class and see where it goes from there. My ultimate goal is a bachelors in computer science, but that is only going to happen if I can remember how to do math. I used to be pretty good at it in high school, so I'm really hoping it's like riding a bike, but I have this sneaky suspicion that it is going to be much, much harder than that. The good news is that I did a practice placement exam for English and I aced it the first time without even studying. Which makes me think I am going into the wrong field, but I just can't think of anything to do that involves English that really appeals to me as far as careers go. Maybe editing. I don't know. But computers are interesting. And I'm good at it. I'm just not so sure that I will be good at computer school. Do you see my conflict? So I will take both classes and then hopefully have a better handle on what the heck I want to do with the rest of my life.

Please pray for me and my rusty, old brain.

Ah, sunshine

Longer days. Shifting hormones causing a feeling of giddiness to bubble up as winter fades away. Spring fever has finally struck the Shipleys as temperatures climbed into the 80's this weekend. For the kids, spring fever causes a distracted sort of feeling that makes it hard to concentrate on the final push for good grades. And quite frankly, I am having a hard time caring about school either as I look forward to summer with all it's gloriously warm days and homework-free nights. Only three more weeks! For me, spring fever usually hits in the form of gleeful home improvement. Oh, the projects I have planned! Now if I could just pick one and actually do it. It's just so much easier to think of the ideas than to execute them.

Of course, since there must be opposition in all things, we found out yesterday that our central air has quit working. Seriously? Where are we going to come up with the money to replace THAT? Looks like we are going on the beans and rice diet for the next few months if we want to afford to survive summer. But to look on the bright side, I would rather be sweating than freezing, so I suppose I will cling to that like my shirt is clinging to my back at this very moment.

What Moms really want for Mother's Day

Breakfast in bed? No thank you, the thought is nice but what I really want is a couple extra hours of sleep. So yesterday my boys took Abby, made her breakfast and quietly entertained her downstairs while I slept until 10. I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to sleep that late. It was the best Mother's day ever!! After I woke up, Abby came in my room and set a cupcake I had made the night before on my nightstand. "Happy Mothers Day!" she said. She is such a sweetheart.

I'm glad I got to have that relaxing day yesterday because this week is going to be a busy one for me. Whenever I know I have a lot of activities and responsibilities coming up I start to get Restless Mind Syndrome. You ever heard of that before? It's a thing. Well, at least I say it is. And I have a severe case of it today. It's funny how just the other day I felt like a slug, but today my mind feels like it's constantly buzzing, twitching and fluttering around from one thing to another. You wanna know what I usually do when I feel like this? Besides wandering aimlessly around the house? I sit down and write. It's a great way to externalize all of the endless jabbering. As I write down my thoughts it's almost like I am filing them away somewhere in cyberspace. They're not really gone, just a little quieter. The only problem is that lately when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. It's like I am having a hard time connecting with the part of my brain that allows me to remember the alphabet and basic vocabulary. It's maddening. Yup...I am a restless, restless girl.

Maybe my restlessness today comes from having a lot on my mind. It's the beginning of the busy season. The kids are winding up the school year, which means award events, band concerts, class parties and field days. I also have summer vacations to plan, spring cleaning on the brain, and let's just take a moment to mention that I got a new calling as a counselor in the stake YW. While I am very excited about this new challenge, it is tempered with the knowledge that I am the counselor assigned to help with our stake girl's camp in June (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Yes, that was me freaking out. We have a great camp committee so I really don't have to be freaking out so much, but alas it is my nature to freak out about things in general. I didn't realize how busy this calling is going to be and quite frankly, I doubt my ability to keep up without losing it. This week alone I have a seminary morningside, ward visits, leadership training, camp certification, camp committee meeting and a ward conference. That's a lot of stuff and a lot of dresses I need to wear. Time to update my wardrobe, I think. Unless I want to wear the same 3 dresses over and over.

The kids have been on my mind a lot too. But of course they always are. They each have their own struggles, but they also have a lot of good things happening in their lives. Alex will be a senior this year, Nate starts high school, Seth starts junior high and Abby will be in school full time as a little first grader! Yes, this is going to be a year of change. It pretty much scares the bejeebers out of me.

Shawn is doing well at his new job in the ER. He loves the variety in his day, but is also feeling the effects of seeing some pretty awful things. It takes a toll on him and some days when he comes home I can tell it's been a hard day. I'm not sure if a person ever gets used to things like that. I think it takes a lot of courage to see death and suffering every day. But Shawn is a compassionate person and an excellent nurse. I wish I could be more like him.

My brain has also been racing again with the idea of going back to school. I know I already talked about this a few weeks back but I can't seem to get it out of my head. So I am pleased to announce that I took the first step and ordered my transcripts from WAY back when I went to the University of Utah! I don't have a ton of credit since I only attended part time for about 18 months, but something is better than nothing and it feels good to know I have a little bit of a head start. Now I need to see if I qualify for some financial aid and decide where I want to take my first classes. Any ideas?? The community college would be the least expensive, but I would rather take online classes from the U of U or the University of Phoenix. I guess I need to see how much everything would cost, since that would probably be the deciding factor of where I would go at first. Plus I need to decide if I am actually going to do it and what I want to major in. I suppose that's pretty important too. Ha ha.

So there it is. My crazy life and crazy mind. But amidst all of the craziness there are bright and sunny moments that make my day. Like Mothers Day. And sleep. And each of my kids (even the teenagers) giving me hugs and telling me they love me. I'm a lucky girl.

Goo

It's raining. Whenever it rains I feel my mood shift into a kind of numbness that makes me sleepy and unproductive. I could never live in a place where it rained all the time. I'm sure I would turn into a big blob of sleepy goo. So that's what I am today - sleepy goo.

Shawn is working this weekend. And next weekend. And the weekend after that. Ya, ya, I know what you're saying right now; that I knew this would happen and I should just get over it. Nurses work weekends and holidays and birthdays and anniversaries and days when you are supposed to go on vacation. But he's out there saving lives so I suppose I should move on and just deal. It's on these days when I feel like goo that I need him here to motivate me and push me into being productive. But he's not here so never mind. I will just sit here and write about my gooeyness and be unproductive.

Is it ok that some days are like this? Days where I wander around and do nothing but stare into the abyss and slip slowly into madness? I'm sure I can't be the only one. Even as I write I feel the words slowly rising to the surface instead of springing to life onto the page. What should I do to pull myself out of this gooey state of mind? If you say exercise, I swear I am going to reach through this computer screen and strangle you.

Random acts of photography

This is going to be one of those posts where I put up random pictures from the last six months in a feeble attempt to update my life in blog form. So....try to keep up.

These are my amazing parents!


They just left to go on a mission to San Jose and I had a severe case of separation anxiety that really surprised me. I was really excited for them and (mostly) ok about it until the night they were set apart as missionaries. Then I sorta lost it, had a meltdown and realized how much I am going to miss them and how much I rely on them. I'm feeling a little wimpy. I am not very good at saying goodbye, even if it's more like a see ya later type of deal. But they are going to be great missionaries and are already doing so many good things.

This is Abby giving her very first report in school. Each child had to choose an animal to research for the science fair and Abby chose dolphins. She did the whole thing by herself, including the picture and writing all the facts down on the paper. I was so proud of her!

Seth did a really cool science experiment with color and heat. He set up different jars of water at room temperature, covered them with different colors of paper, exposed them to a heat lamp for a while and then measured the temperatures. It was surprising how well it worked and guess what? He won first place! What a smarty pants.

You probably had a hard time recognizing him with his blond hair and goofy glasses, but this is Nate. He just turned 15 last month. I truly cannot believe how fast my kids are growing up. Next month he will apply for his drivers learning permit, which means my anxiety will skyrocket once again, along with my insurance policy, and I will probably need to actually do those deep breathing exercises that therapists are always talking about.

He was on the high school swim team this year and really loved it. It wasn't always easy for him; he had to work hard, but I think he learned some very valuable lessons along the way. Including how to say no to the speedo. (That's him on block 5 getting ready to swim the 100 freestyle.)

Alex was asked to go to the Sweetheart's Ball by his good friend Andra. He doesn't date a whole lot, so I was super excited that he got to go. Don't they look adorable?

This is Alex performing in one of his bands called The Soul Research Foundation. (He's the trombone on the right.) They had a huge event called the Peaks Jazz Festival in February where every band from the Caleb Chapman program performed a set. It was a blast! I absolutely love seeing this kid perform.

And just when you thought this post couldn't get any more random, I present to you what I call:

The Most Amazing Valentine's Day Box EVER.

AND...

Okie the turtle!

We turtle-sat him for a few days and I have to say that he is pretty freakin' adorable. I might even consider getting one for my kids if it wasn't for the fact that they live to be 50 years old and grow to the size of a small planet.

Have a great day!

~Meg

Connecting the dots

Abby: "Mom, what day was I born?"

Me: "On November 12th."

Abby: "What?!?!? You mean I was born on the same day as my birthday?!?"

When I'm old, I'm gonna miss moments like these.

Life marches on

It's so hard sometimes to keep a smile on your face. Life brings all sorts of crap to your door, yet I know somewhere inside me that it's all going to be ok. I've come so far in the past few years. Someday I will tell my story, but in the meantime, just know that I know there is hope, there is light and there is happiness out there if you decide to walk towards it.

First world problem

Today it's cold and rainy and my 11 year old heads out the door to school without a coat.

"You should wear a jacket. It's cold and rainy," I say.

"Oh, it's nice out there...I'll be fine," says he.

Now because I'm trying my very, very best to let my kids learn their own lessons, I watched him leave the house with the knowledge that he would surely be miserable. But what's really the worst thing that could happen? He's cold. He's wet. Big deal. He's not gonna die. So why do I think of this every time I look out the window?

Sigh....

Such big problems I have. ;)

Broken

I have been looking around my house lately and realized that almost everything I own is a hand-me-down. Battered, scratched, dented, scuffed and bruised, our house has what we affectionately term that "lived in" feeling.

I feel like that today too. Used up, worn out and ready to be donated to the local thrift shop. My mind feels weathered and I looked in the mirror this morning and noticed a nice, deep wrinkle in my forehead. Wonderful.

It's during these times that I am so grateful for the helping hands and inspired hearts of those around me. A youth leader, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a visiting teacher; people who care about me and seem to call or stop by at just the right moments. It patches up my weak parts and makes me think that I might just get a little more use out of this used up brain.

Oh my aching head

Life started with a bang this morning, but only in the form of a migraine splitting the back of my head in two. I couldn't drag myself out of bed so Abby stayed home from school, much to her disappointment, but decided to take care of me with a serving of granola bars and tepid tap water. Sometimes she is so sweet it makes my heart hurt.

Two Exedrin and two hours later I treated myself to a homemade cinnamon roll I had made the night before. Voila! Migraine gone! I have uncovered the secret cure to migraines: carbs and caffeine. Two of my favorite things.

In other news, Shawn started his new job in the ER at Mountain West Medical center in Tooele on Monday. He was nervous at first, but in true Shawn fashion, jumped right in and is loving it. This is a sample of our telephone conversation last night:

"Hey Meg, I had a great day! Most of it was pretty steady and normal, but then we had two kids and one adult come in with broken arms and one lady who was so hysterical that I had to restrain her in order to give her a sedative. It was AWESOME!"

That sounds like a nightmare to me, which is why I would be a terrible nurse. But I am sooooo glad that Shawn is finally in a job that he loves. He belongs in an ER where life is always different and usually exciting.

Now that Shawn is in a steady job and Abby will be starting 1st grade in August, I have been contemplating the possibility of going back to school and finishing my bachelor's degree. The only problem is that I have no idea what I want to do. I have taken what feels like hundreds of "career aptitude" tests, but the results are vague. How do I find my niche in life now that my kids are getting older? I've thought about a degree in English but that terrifies me because you have to be really smart to do that. And let's face it; I'm old and not that smart. A degree in computers would be fun, but the field is so competitive and I am so not a competitive person. A degree in music is also appealing but not exactly the most useful. I would love to teach music to junior high or high school age kids, but the arts programs are constantly getting budget cuts or are taken out of schools completely. I know there are so many possibilities out there but I just don't know where to start looking. Help!!! I need advice. Thinking about it makes me head hurt. Again.

Life with Abby

Abby:  "Mom...I think I want to go visit America. Because then I could be on America's Funniest Home Videos."

I got news for ya, Abby. With the things you say, you could be the star of that show!

My crazy underground garage

I am not a late person. I hate being late, I hate it when others are late, I hate it when other people make me late and in fact, the very thought of being late to anything sends me into a panic. As a result of this semi-quirkiness not only am I early for everything, but I am ready to leave early for anything, just so I can be earlier than early. 

Such is the case at this very moment. It is 4:46 p.m. and I don't need to leave until 5:30 for a concert that starts at 7. But am I ready? Why yes, of course I am. And I have been ready for at least an hour. Now I am suspended in that vacuum of time that exists between now and the designated departure with nothing to do but pace the house. I seriously drive myself insane by doing this. Why can't I chill out?

Another thing to blame on my anxiety, I guess.

So I decided to sit down and write, hoping that not only could I fill some time but maybe, just maybe, I can talk myself back into a semi-rational state of mind that tells me that everything will still work out if I am not there 20 minutes before the doors open. I will find a seat. I will enjoy the concert. Life will move on. In fact, maybe I should let myself leave at 5:45 just so I can push myself into my fears a little. Like exposure therapy or something.

I do this sort of thing constantly. I drop Abby off at school at 8:40 and then I mentally count down the minutes until I pick her up. For example, every time I look at the clock I think stuff like, "Ok, it's 10:30. I have one hour before I need to leave to pick her up." I even have reminders set on my phone so I don't forget, something that I doubt would ever happen since I am constantly thinking about it the entire time time she is gone.

In fact, I am hardly ever late for anything. I am at least 10 minutes early to church and I am so immobilized by this fear that I would rather skip sacrament meeting altogether than walk in during the opening song. My church meeting doesn't start until 1, but I get in the shower by 10, get myself all ready to go and then have 2 hours to fret about the house, checking my lesson that I have already looked at a hundred times and trying to coax the kids out of their pajamas and into the shower. I literally waste an entire morning doing something that I should only spend 30 minutes on.

Help me! What do I do to control this? I can't be alone in my neurosis. Even as I sit here I am starting to freak out because I really want to post this before I leave but I keep getting interrupted. Heaven forbid if I didn't post this until next week, but I can't do that because it would be late!! Ahhh!

Welcome to my crazy underground garage.

From Soccer Mom to Stalker Mom

I loved it when my boys were all babies.  I was their whole world and I held that world in the palm of my little hand. I fed them, I bathed them, I colored with them. I played Pokemon, Legos and Thomas the Train. I drove them to play dates, to the zoo, to Grandma's house and watched them swat mosquitoes on the little league outfield and get kicked in the shins playing soccer. I was a good little soccer mom, too. I always brought the best treats...none of this "carrot stick and string cheese" business. It was all sugar, all the time! Yeah!

And then they became teenagers.

Not only did their world get considerably bigger, I became a little teeny tiny dot on the map. Now my days are filled with anxiety and questions. "Why isn't he home? Why hasn't he called yet? Did he remember his wallet? Is he too tired to drive? Did he run out of gas? I hope he wore his seat belt. Oh dear, I bet he's been in an accident. I'm sure he's unconscious on the road somewhere. Should I just peek at the iPhone locator one more time to see where he is?"

And then it hits me. I have become a stalker mom. An obsessive compulsive, control freak who is gripped with panic when her children are not in her sight. I'm THAT mom. The one who still tells them to be careful crossing the street. The one who has the phone number of every friend her kids have ever had so I can track them down if I ever needed to. The one who sends her sons on a scout camp with a whole set of luggage filled with thermals and extra socks after giving them a firm lecture on staying with the camp and not leaving food in their tent. I swear to you that I am one step away from implanting a monitor on the back of their necks like in Ender's Game.

To all of those moms out there with married kids and empty nests I ask: how do you do it? How do you let go and release your babies into the world where they can live their own lives and learn things the hard way? It seems impossible. I admit that I am struggling more than just a bit. But at the same time I think of myself at their age; my whole life ahead of me, full of promise. Most of the time I felt confident in my ability to navigate the world around me. So why can't I let them enjoy the same freedom?

I can think of a couple of people in my life who were and are still really good at letting their children be their own person. (Yes, Mom and Dad - I'm talking about you). They listen, they give advice only when asked and most of all, they let us fall down once in a while and we become stronger for it.

But it's just so difficult. It's this urge I have; this dang maternal instinct that tells me to wrap them in their blankies and rock them to sleep. It's powerful; it's overwhelming; it makes me wanna roar like a mamma bear. But I am beginning to understand the important role I have in raising resilient children who can problem-solve and be responsible adults. I literally have to bite my tongue most of the time to restrain the outpouring of advice that will surely spew from my mouth whenever my kids come up against an obstacle, either large or small, but I am trying, dang it!

And so I keep trying. To let them be their own person, to let them fail (or not fail) and to just let them find out if they can do some things for themselves.

But most of all to NOT be the reason they wind up in therapy. :)

Fashion forward

Here is Abby in her latest get-up.  A girl who knows her fashion.  Note that the shoes coordinate perfectly with the fur trimmed vest and the multicolored bows are definitely making a statement.

I'm also pretty sure that someday she is going to hate me for posting these kinds of pictures of her.  Will that stop me?  Of course not.

Lost and found

***Spoiler Alert!***

This post contains a lot of irrational, unnecessary complaining and possible symptoms of a mid-life crisis.  Do not read this if you are in a good mood.

So here's my question of the day:  how can my life be insanely busy but incredibly boring at the same time?  It sounds impossible but there it is.  Do you ever look around and wonder why you keep doing the same dang thing day after day?  I get so frustrated with myself.

But I stay at home with my kids!

I'm supposed to love it!

But there is this irritating whisper in the back of my head that's telling me I am losing it.  That the person I used to be is gone;  lost somewhere along the last 17 years of motherhood and marriage.  Wait...is this what a mid-life crisis is like?  Am I going to start shopping obsessively, get Botox injections, and pack it all in and run away to Greece?  Hmmm.  I'm not gonna lie - Greece sounds tempting.

I admit that every time I start a blog post this issue is on the tip of my tongue, but the confession comes with so much guilt.  I have much to be grateful for.  My life could actually be horrible.  But it isn't.  I have great kids.  I have a hard-working husband.  I have a home and food on the table.  I am blessed beyond what I probably deserve.

So what's with this "woe is me" crap?  And who is spared grief?  No one.

I guess I am realizing a few things about the harsh reality of adult life.  We control nothing.  We don't know what tomorrow will bring.  Bad things happen to good people.  Our kids have free agency and they are going to make stupid mistakes.  We can't shelter them from the boogie man anymore.  Biggest of all is my realization that we're all heading in the same direction and it's a one-way ticket.  We grow up assuming that if we follow the rules, do as we're told, have a good heart, then everything will work out and we'll all live happily ever after.  Sometimes that is true.  We should have a good heart and follow the rules.  Happiness can come from doing those things.  But happily ever after?  I think that comes from choosing to be grateful for what we have.  All of the people I know who are truly happy are people who are humble, giving and grateful for what they do have instead of focusing on the negative.

Hello Debbie Downer!  But there is my problem:  focusing on the negative.  Not being grateful for what I have.

I know as I look back on my life later, this spot I am in right here, right now will be a bright and sunny memory.  But the fact is that we all have to work hard at being bright and sunny.  The guilty truth is that I sometimes begrudge my identity as a mom.  I sometimes feel lost as a mommy.

I wonder if I have yet to find my shining purpose.  Maybe my purpose for now is to just find purpose in the mundane.  Help with the homework.  Fix meals.  Do the shopping.  Clean up the kitchen.  Get my kids to where they need to be.  Wash underwear.  Then wake up the next day and do it all again.

For me this is a daily struggle.  Am I alone?  Are you lost or found?  I guess I am somewhere in between.