***Spoiler Alert!***
This post contains a lot of irrational, unnecessary complaining and possible symptoms of a mid-life crisis. Do not read this if you are in a good mood.
So here's my question of the day: how can my life be insanely busy but incredibly boring at the same time? It sounds impossible but there it is. Do you ever look around and wonder why you keep doing the same dang thing day after day? I get so frustrated with myself.
But I stay at home with my kids!
I'm supposed to love it!
But there is this irritating whisper in the back of my head that's telling me I am losing it. That the person I used to be is gone; lost somewhere along the last 17 years of motherhood and marriage. Wait...is this what a mid-life crisis is like? Am I going to start shopping obsessively, get Botox injections, and pack it all in and run away to Greece? Hmmm. I'm not gonna lie - Greece sounds tempting.
I admit that every time I start a blog post this issue is on the tip of my tongue, but the confession comes with so much guilt. I have much to be grateful for. My life could actually be horrible. But it isn't. I have great kids. I have a hard-working husband. I have a home and food on the table. I am blessed beyond what I probably deserve.
So what's with this "woe is me" crap? And who is spared grief? No one.
I guess I am realizing a few things about the harsh reality of adult life. We control nothing. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Bad things happen to good people. Our kids have free agency and they are going to make stupid mistakes. We can't shelter them from the boogie man anymore. Biggest of all is my realization that we're all heading in the same direction and it's a one-way ticket. We grow up assuming that if we follow the rules, do as we're told, have a good heart, then everything will work out and we'll all live happily ever after. Sometimes that is true. We should have a good heart and follow the rules. Happiness can come from doing those things. But happily ever after? I think that comes from choosing to be grateful for what we have. All of the people I know who are truly happy are people who are humble, giving and grateful for what they do have instead of focusing on the negative.
Hello Debbie Downer! But there is my problem: focusing on the negative. Not being grateful for what I have.
I know as I look back on my life later, this spot I am in right here, right now will be a bright and sunny memory. But the fact is that we all have to work hard at being bright and sunny. The guilty truth is that I sometimes begrudge my identity as a mom. I sometimes feel lost as a mommy.
I wonder if I have yet to find my shining purpose. Maybe my purpose for now is to just find purpose in the mundane. Help with the homework. Fix meals. Do the shopping. Clean up the kitchen. Get my kids to where they need to be. Wash underwear. Then wake up the next day and do it all again.
For me this is a daily struggle. Am I alone? Are you lost or found? I guess I am somewhere in between.
You are not alone! I get at least I think partly how you are feeling, even though obviously I can't identify with the mommy parts.
ReplyDeleteI get very bored too, and I am sorta grateful that my life is pretty boring (just now got to transcribe "involved in an altercation at work on Friday and was punched in the face"). But I also feel discontent often, I call it my "grass is always greener" syndrome. I've had it forever--feeling "wouldn't life be perfect if we lived **here** in **this house**", or "if had **this job**" (or no job LOL). A lot of people feel like that. Some don't, I guess, or at least not as often as others of us. I think it is partly human nature, and it's partly what drives us to try for better things for ourselves, but it can be kind of destructive and counterproductive too. But, I think you DO feel grateful for what you have, you just aren't feeling that contented feeling that you think should go along with being grateful?
I think you have hit everything right on, Trace. I really am feeling the counterproductive part you were talking about and I am missing the drive. I would love to change things up a bit, but I am in this eternal funk that saps my motivation dry. I wish I knew what to do about it. Probably exercise. Isn't that always the answer? :) Ha ha.
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