Panic attacks and other fun stuff

I can't even begin to explain how incredibly busy I have been lately. But apparently not so busy that I can't blog about it, right? Ha!

Birthday parties, mission farewells, anniversaries, father's day, homework, homework, homework and more homework. Did I mention that I have homework? Can you believe it? I HAVE HOMEWORK! My instructor (because that's what they're called nowadays...none of the "teacher" business) opened the class early, so I have been working my tushy off trying to get ahead so I don't fall behind when I go to Girls Camp this week.

Ahhhh... Girls Camp. In capital letters because it has been all Girls Camp, all the time here at my house. I cannot stop thinking about it. I eat, sleep (or in my case, NOT sleep) and drink it. It keeps me up at night and makes me slightly sick to my stomach. The other day I literally almost had a panic attack when I found out how cold it's going to be up there in the Uintahs this week. Highs in the 50's, lows in the 30's. Dang. That's frickin' cold. And we all know how much Megan loves to be cold.

Then there is the kids. Alex is off to go on tour to LA this week, Nate has a youth conference to go to and Seth has a birthday sleepover with his cousin. Abby gets to hang out with super cool Aunt Amy since I won't be around for this week, which we will now refer to as a hot mess. Thank heaven for my sister who is rescuing me in all sorts of ways and keeping this hot mess from literally going to my head.

Shawn gets to run around in between all of this hot mess and then go work his butt off like always. Ahhh...good times.

Well, I suppose I shall go sleep in my comfy warm bed for the last time before freezing various limbs off of my body this week in the mountains. Hopefully I will still have fingers to blog all about it.

What Moms really want for Mother's Day

Breakfast in bed? No thank you, the thought is nice but what I really want is a couple extra hours of sleep. So yesterday my boys took Abby, made her breakfast and quietly entertained her downstairs while I slept until 10. I honestly can't remember the last time I was able to sleep that late. It was the best Mother's day ever!! After I woke up, Abby came in my room and set a cupcake I had made the night before on my nightstand. "Happy Mothers Day!" she said. She is such a sweetheart.

I'm glad I got to have that relaxing day yesterday because this week is going to be a busy one for me. Whenever I know I have a lot of activities and responsibilities coming up I start to get Restless Mind Syndrome. You ever heard of that before? It's a thing. Well, at least I say it is. And I have a severe case of it today. It's funny how just the other day I felt like a slug, but today my mind feels like it's constantly buzzing, twitching and fluttering around from one thing to another. You wanna know what I usually do when I feel like this? Besides wandering aimlessly around the house? I sit down and write. It's a great way to externalize all of the endless jabbering. As I write down my thoughts it's almost like I am filing them away somewhere in cyberspace. They're not really gone, just a little quieter. The only problem is that lately when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. It's like I am having a hard time connecting with the part of my brain that allows me to remember the alphabet and basic vocabulary. It's maddening. Yup...I am a restless, restless girl.

Maybe my restlessness today comes from having a lot on my mind. It's the beginning of the busy season. The kids are winding up the school year, which means award events, band concerts, class parties and field days. I also have summer vacations to plan, spring cleaning on the brain, and let's just take a moment to mention that I got a new calling as a counselor in the stake YW. While I am very excited about this new challenge, it is tempered with the knowledge that I am the counselor assigned to help with our stake girl's camp in June (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). Yes, that was me freaking out. We have a great camp committee so I really don't have to be freaking out so much, but alas it is my nature to freak out about things in general. I didn't realize how busy this calling is going to be and quite frankly, I doubt my ability to keep up without losing it. This week alone I have a seminary morningside, ward visits, leadership training, camp certification, camp committee meeting and a ward conference. That's a lot of stuff and a lot of dresses I need to wear. Time to update my wardrobe, I think. Unless I want to wear the same 3 dresses over and over.

The kids have been on my mind a lot too. But of course they always are. They each have their own struggles, but they also have a lot of good things happening in their lives. Alex will be a senior this year, Nate starts high school, Seth starts junior high and Abby will be in school full time as a little first grader! Yes, this is going to be a year of change. It pretty much scares the bejeebers out of me.

Shawn is doing well at his new job in the ER. He loves the variety in his day, but is also feeling the effects of seeing some pretty awful things. It takes a toll on him and some days when he comes home I can tell it's been a hard day. I'm not sure if a person ever gets used to things like that. I think it takes a lot of courage to see death and suffering every day. But Shawn is a compassionate person and an excellent nurse. I wish I could be more like him.

My brain has also been racing again with the idea of going back to school. I know I already talked about this a few weeks back but I can't seem to get it out of my head. So I am pleased to announce that I took the first step and ordered my transcripts from WAY back when I went to the University of Utah! I don't have a ton of credit since I only attended part time for about 18 months, but something is better than nothing and it feels good to know I have a little bit of a head start. Now I need to see if I qualify for some financial aid and decide where I want to take my first classes. Any ideas?? The community college would be the least expensive, but I would rather take online classes from the U of U or the University of Phoenix. I guess I need to see how much everything would cost, since that would probably be the deciding factor of where I would go at first. Plus I need to decide if I am actually going to do it and what I want to major in. I suppose that's pretty important too. Ha ha.

So there it is. My crazy life and crazy mind. But amidst all of the craziness there are bright and sunny moments that make my day. Like Mothers Day. And sleep. And each of my kids (even the teenagers) giving me hugs and telling me they love me. I'm a lucky girl.

Goo

It's raining. Whenever it rains I feel my mood shift into a kind of numbness that makes me sleepy and unproductive. I could never live in a place where it rained all the time. I'm sure I would turn into a big blob of sleepy goo. So that's what I am today - sleepy goo.

Shawn is working this weekend. And next weekend. And the weekend after that. Ya, ya, I know what you're saying right now; that I knew this would happen and I should just get over it. Nurses work weekends and holidays and birthdays and anniversaries and days when you are supposed to go on vacation. But he's out there saving lives so I suppose I should move on and just deal. It's on these days when I feel like goo that I need him here to motivate me and push me into being productive. But he's not here so never mind. I will just sit here and write about my gooeyness and be unproductive.

Is it ok that some days are like this? Days where I wander around and do nothing but stare into the abyss and slip slowly into madness? I'm sure I can't be the only one. Even as I write I feel the words slowly rising to the surface instead of springing to life onto the page. What should I do to pull myself out of this gooey state of mind? If you say exercise, I swear I am going to reach through this computer screen and strangle you.

Oh my aching head

Life started with a bang this morning, but only in the form of a migraine splitting the back of my head in two. I couldn't drag myself out of bed so Abby stayed home from school, much to her disappointment, but decided to take care of me with a serving of granola bars and tepid tap water. Sometimes she is so sweet it makes my heart hurt.

Two Exedrin and two hours later I treated myself to a homemade cinnamon roll I had made the night before. Voila! Migraine gone! I have uncovered the secret cure to migraines: carbs and caffeine. Two of my favorite things.

In other news, Shawn started his new job in the ER at Mountain West Medical center in Tooele on Monday. He was nervous at first, but in true Shawn fashion, jumped right in and is loving it. This is a sample of our telephone conversation last night:

"Hey Meg, I had a great day! Most of it was pretty steady and normal, but then we had two kids and one adult come in with broken arms and one lady who was so hysterical that I had to restrain her in order to give her a sedative. It was AWESOME!"

That sounds like a nightmare to me, which is why I would be a terrible nurse. But I am sooooo glad that Shawn is finally in a job that he loves. He belongs in an ER where life is always different and usually exciting.

Now that Shawn is in a steady job and Abby will be starting 1st grade in August, I have been contemplating the possibility of going back to school and finishing my bachelor's degree. The only problem is that I have no idea what I want to do. I have taken what feels like hundreds of "career aptitude" tests, but the results are vague. How do I find my niche in life now that my kids are getting older? I've thought about a degree in English but that terrifies me because you have to be really smart to do that. And let's face it; I'm old and not that smart. A degree in computers would be fun, but the field is so competitive and I am so not a competitive person. A degree in music is also appealing but not exactly the most useful. I would love to teach music to junior high or high school age kids, but the arts programs are constantly getting budget cuts or are taken out of schools completely. I know there are so many possibilities out there but I just don't know where to start looking. Help!!! I need advice. Thinking about it makes me head hurt. Again.

The pictures say it all...

I have happy things to talk about after yesterday's rant about the spiteful month of January.

I went on a cruise baby!

A CRUISE!

It was awesome.  Really.  I can't stress it enough how awesome it was.  It was warm, sunny, happy and just plain fun.  Go on...be jealous.

Here are a few of my favorite pics:

Chillin on the sun deck

Towel animals!  Yay!

Abby and her new penguin hat.  Because that's what she wanted from Catalina.  A penguin hat. (?)

Alex strikes a pose.

Mario Kart...Catalina style

Abby, Seth and Kade enjoying the beachiness.

Awwwww!

Catalina Island

All fancied up for Christmas Eve dinner.

La Bufadora, Ensenada

Me showing off my cool new bag I bought at the market in Mexico.  Notice my photo bomber and the sketchy pharmacy.

Best fish tacos EVER

The view from my cabin window

Nate showing off his abs in the pool

Eatin' lunch with Grandma.
This was a spectacular view from the back of the ship.

Life is sweet.  :)

Drum roll please....

Shawn passed the NCLEX last week!

HALLELUJAH!

And he has a job!  I was a little worried about that part, to be honest, because I have heard a lot of people tell me how difficult it is for new nurses to find work.  Maybe that's true, I don't know, but Shawn didn't seem to have a hard time.  He has been working for a pharmaceutical research company as an assistant for about a month and they just offered him a full-time position as a nurse.  He is very excited and is already working on several different studies about Alzheimers, sciatic pain and such.  He doesn't think he will stay at this particular setting forever since he really wants to do hospital nursing, but it's a foot in the door and will be valuable experience for him.

The rest of us are breathing a big sigh of relief and are having our own little celebration that we finally have the REAL Shawn back in our lives.  The fun-loving and happy Shawn who has been scarce the past while.  I am so happy for him and just bursting with pride at how he stuck through every challenge and overcame every obstacle (and believe me -- there were many) that he came upon.  It's amazing how much stress can negatively impact your emotional well-being, your spirituality and your health.  The past several years have been hard for everyone.  I feel like we've climbed a mountain and now we are finally at the summit.  I know we will have many more to climb in our life, but for now --

we are just going to sit back and enjoy the view.

Isn't this nice?

Typical family dinner at my house:

It's like someone had a camera installed in my kitchen...and then made a cartoon out of it.

Except a few things need to be added.  Like musical chairs.  And kids choking.  And me laughing so hard I have to leave to room.

Do the limbo

limbo  n.
1.  A state or place of confinement.
2.  An intermediate stage.
3.  A dance from West India that is freaky, but disturbingly genius.

Or we could submit a new definition:
4.  My life in a nutshell.

So Shawn didn't pass his first attempt at the dreaded NCLEX, otherwise known as "the most ridiculous test in history".  Seriously, why can't it just be a straightforward measure of a person's knowledge and aptitude for nursing?  Why all the trickery, chicanery and shenanigans?  For cryin' out loud people spend thousands of dollars on their education, then turn around and spend hundreds more taking entire courses dedicated to passing this test;  teaching you how to navigate your way through the silliness so you can find the one little key word that will magically tell you which answer is "most correct".

Guaranteed you'll pass or your money back!

Needless to say, Shawn didn't take that extra course two months ago.  Looking back, (insert sarcasm) we believe it was an unwise decision.

So here we go again, another 45 days of studying, crying, not sleeping and generally banging our heads against the wall.  And taking a course that is guaranteed (or your money back) to make you feel stupid, just in case your experience in nursing school didn't already take care of that.

In limbo.  In between stages.  Not feeling like there is a place in life where we fit.  Just going through the motions and getting on each other's nerves.  I suppose I should use this as a learning experience.  You know...try to find the lesson, learn from it, lean into  it.

But I really just want to fling it out the window.

Ok enough complaining.  I will stop complaining for a moment.  The complaining part of this post is now over.  On to looking on the brighter side of things, like it's now February and you know what that means don't you?

That January is over!!  And spring is coming!!

Ahhhh...spring.  It makes me happy inside just hearing the word.  Knowing it's right around the next corner.  It feels me with all sorts of giddiness and gives me this sudden urge to play in the dirt.  It also means that the kids will actually go outside to play once in a while instead of parking their butts in front of an endless stream of Netflix cartoons or video games.  Yes, spring is awesome.  It's all trampolines and tulips and bunny rabbits.  It's the host of all my favorite holidays (except Halloween, of course) and it represents, to me, a new start and a new life.  A chance to begin again.

And to quit doing the limbo. :)

That's life

Well, here we go.  It's about that time to do an "update" post.  More like a journal entry or maybe just a way to chronicle the little pieces of my life.  I have so many saved drafts in this blog.  The ones that never get published are usually the most personal.  I guess I tend to only show the shiny side of life to the general public.  But life isn't always shiny.  So I end up posting bland little updates, or funny pictures or amusing one-liners from Abby.  Why do I have such a hard time really putting myself out there?  Sometimes I wish I could be more comfortable in my own skin.  Maybe someday.  Until then, here is another post about life that will probably only talk about the shiny stuff.

So the past few weeks have felt so strange to me.  Do you ever get those times in your life when everything just seems so weird?  Like nothing fits or feels normal.  Like you are looking at yourself from behind a camera and thinking, "Is that what I really look like in real life?"  I don't know, I can't explain it very well, but there ya go.  That's me for the past few weeks.  Just feeling off.  Maybe it's because the season is changing, kids are back at school and I am looking at the next 6 months with a definite feeling of, well, trepidation.  There is always so much to think about and so much going on.


Shawn is back in school for what we are hoping is the LAST semester.  Oh, I can't even tell you how this makes me feel.  But I will tell you how it makes Shawn feel:

And this is just a two-year nursing program.  I think about my sister's husband who went to dental school, or our friends who went through anesthesia school and it blows my mind.  How, how, how?  You have my undying admiration.  Plus you all had to move to another state in the process.  Our little adventure is really just that in comparison.  But I am so grateful we have had the opportunity and I am hopeful that it will bring positive changes to our lives.

But here is what is happening in the present, outlined just for you in order of birthright:

Alex just started 10th grade.  High school, folks.  Geez, I am freaking OLD.  But let's admire how cute he is for a moment:

You know what really gets to me?  The fact that I can remember in excruciating detail my first day of high school.  Plus the fact that I met my husband my sophomore year.  Yikes.  It is only a few short years before this kid is off doing his own thing.  He recently auditioned for a really amazing jazz group and he made it!  They want him to be in two bands--one called Voodoo Orchestra and a new Ska band called Kingston Winter.  It's kind of expensive, so he originally auditioned for just Voodoo, but they offered him a tuition scholarship if he wanted to be in the other as well.  So he is going to be pretty busy this year.  But I figure, hey, it's ok--less time for dating. ;)

Nate is off to a great start too.  He started 8th grade and is...hmmm...tolerating it?  Lol.

I think we have his classes figured out so that he won't be as stressed and can concentrate on the subjects in which he excels.  He LOVES his band classes, of course, and he has a geology class and science class that he seems to be pretty fond of as well.  Mostly because they get to blow stuff up occasionally, but you know, whatever gets them excited about school.  Ha ha.  We also finally made him try talked him into trying a swim class at the high school.  I can see that it is going to be tremendously helpful to him in so many ways.  I can already see a difference in his confidence and attitude towards life.  Plus, I swear that kid was born with gills.  He is a freaking fish.

Seth is in 5th grade now and I realized the other day that he is the same age now that Alex was when Abby was born.

So weird!  He is starting to lose that little kid face and is becoming a young man.  When did this happen?  Seth!  You were supposed to be my little buddy forever, dude!  What the heck?  Seth also brought home a shiny new trumpet last week.  Yes, we are going to have our jazz trio...well, in maybe 2 or 3 years!  I think Seth is very excited to finally have an instrument that is his very own to play and learn.  After so many years listening to his brothers, he gets to be part of the action.  I think he would still like to learn piano, too, but we'll see how things go in the next few months.

Abby is in her last year of pre-school and she loves it, of course.

Every day she asks me if it's a school day and how many days are left before she goes to school and how many hours are left before we leave for school today.  What was I thinking when I put her in the afternoon class?  Really?  Now I get to listen to 5 hours of constant updates on how much more time we have before we leave.  She is just such a social child. I'm afraid I don't understand how that feels.  How do you parent a child who is the complete polar opposite of yourself?  I mean, she wears leopard print for cryin' out loud!  What am I going to do with her?  ....sigh....  One thing I do know---she really is my sunshine.  There have been many times when she has saved me from sinking too deeply into darkness, without even knowing that she does it.  Even though I am supposed to be the one who saves her and teaches her, she is constantly the one who rescues me.  Shall I stop there before I start breaking out into some sappy, country music song?  Yes, I shall.

So where does this leave us?  Hmm...how about a gratuitous picture?

At the Brigham City temple open house, looking all sorts of happy.  Or sort of happy...something like that.

And there you have it.  Life.