Where have I been all my life?

Yes, I know. It’s been a while. A long while. I didn't mean to stop writing, really. It just sort of happened. Each day of my life has become a blank page that I stare at and hope something materializes. This must be what "writer's block" is. Except that it isn't just my writing that has suffered. Maybe I have "personality block". The condition of being unable to think of what to do or how to proceed with doing anything at all.

There's been a lot of ebbing and not much flowing these days. I guess I could just do the update thing and spew the contents of my life onto my blog. But how boring is that? I'm sure people don't want to read about my bathroom remodel, the multitude of band concerts or the weeks worth of laundry piling up around me. Heck - I don't even want to write about it!

However, I do have some things weighing heavily on my mind lately. I may have the courage to talk about them soon, but it's going to be hard. It's a silence that has been begging to be broken for so long. I can't ignore it much longer and I'm wondering if this is the reason that my life feels stalled. But I do know that a transformation is going to be necessary for me to move on and reclaim my happiness. A "mighty change of heart" so to speak. Or at least a change in perspective. It used to be that when I needed a change I would impulsively decide to paint the walls or rearrange the furniture in the entire house, but I have a feeling that this time that won't be enough. I need a revolution.

Whatever I do, my choices must be based on hope and not fear or shame, as I have so often done in the past. Of course that is easier to say than do and there is a part of me that is giving up before I even start, but I need to let myself be vulnerable before I can obtain the joyful life that I have been so desperately seeking.

I read an article a few weeks ago written by a wise woman named Brene Brown. She talks a lot about being authentic and having the courage to let ourselves be seen. She has given me a lot of perspective, but there is one thing she said that has been playing on repeat in my head:

"You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."

So I will embrace my imperfections, own my story and know that at the end of the day, I am enough.

Hope

Trying to be positive

Thinking is overrated

Remind me of this fact the next time I decide to do something new with my life. Give me a sleazy paperback and a bag of candy to lure me away from temptation. Because do you know what happens to Megan when she has to use more than 10% of her brain? She turns into evil, irritating, cyborg Megan who is a cross between an angsty teenager and an angry chihuahua. If you ever decide to finish your unfinished business just remember that You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile! Run away! Run far, far away!

Now that you have a visual, I'm assuming I don't need to update you on the status of my life.

Putting on my big-girl pants

It's interesting how historic milestones in my life often sneak up on me quickly and quietly. I'm so busy speeding through my days that by the time I look around and see what's outside my window, I nearly speed right pass the scenery without having a moment to apply my brakes and enjoy the view. Or better yet, pull over and take a few pictures.

Tomorrow is one of those days, for it is my eldest's 18th birthday.

I can't believe it. I knew it was coming; this moment when I would be the mother of an adult. I have thought about it from time to time over the past two decades, but it always seemed to feel so far away. Now it's here and I am left feeling a little bewildered. Shouldn't I be getting an award of some sort?

"Congratulations, you kept him alive."

I guess that's something. In fact, that's downright unbelievable considering what I know now about that brand new, 21 year-old Mom I was back in 1996. Thank heaven for that user manual I got when he was born. Oh? You didn't get one? I still have my copy. It's called "Go Ask Your Parents". It's well-used and will hopefully remain in circulation for a long time to come because I still don't have the directions straight.

Is this milestone the one that marks the place in time when I finally start acting and feeling like a grown-up? No kidding around this time. It's the real deal. Tomorrow I will feel like a genuine adult, not just a kid who is pretending to be an adult. No more training pants for me. I successfully bred and raised a human. Bring on the wisdom. And give it to me quickly, please, because I still have three more to go.

Do you want to build a snowman?

Here is a picture of Pine Valley in my beloved Uintah Mountains in the middle of June, due to some freakishly cold, winter-ish storm that blew through for the three days that our Stake Girls Camp was scheduled to stay. If you didn't know better, you would think I took a trip to Canada, eh? And this picture was taken at an elevation of 7000 feet. I can only imagine what it looked like up at the top of the canyon at 10,000 feet. I found out later that most of the areas above us received 4-6 inches of new snow.

Let me just start by saying that we knew well before camp that we were in for some cold and wet weather. I mean, we do live in Utah after all, where the weather forecast is really just a lucky guess. We notified and warned every leader we could get a hold of, hoping that the girls would look past the 90 degrees they were feeling in the valley and try to picture themselves in the Uintah wilderness where weather forecasting is impossible, temperatures are just a shot in the dark and Mother Nature bats you around like a child's play thing. But alas, our warnings were ignored by some and not everyone was as prepared as we had hoped they would be. Some wards were ON it though! We had one ward in particular that had all their girls bring over their stuff to the leader's house the night before camp. She would quiz the parents and the girl on what they had packed and if they didn't have it, she sent them home for it and if they didn't own it, they better go beg, steal or borrow it or they weren't goin' to camp! Yay for great leaders!! They were by far the warmest and driest in our campground.

Our camp started off pretty normal; the stake and youth camp leaders got to camp around 5 on Monday, did some planning, roasted hot dogs and shivered around the fire for a while until we all decided to go to bed. The rain in the forecast had yet to start so we thought that just maybe the predicted cold front would miraculously move around our tiny camp.

The next morning it started off pretty cold, but nothing terribly unusual. The other campers arrived and had to set up in a drizzle of rain. It stayed pretty dry on and off for half the day and then it started to rain in earnest. Then it started to hail. Then it started to snow. Rain and cold we could do, but snow was definitely not on the agenda. Tents started to cave in and as we made our rounds to the different ward camps we realized that the girls were not prepared for this. The likelihood that temperatures would dip below freezing during the night, combined with the fact that most of them were already soaking wet (because they didn't listen to their mothers), made us seriously concerned for their safety. So we made the difficult decision to jump ship and head down the mountain to find somewhere warm and safe for the night.

Luckily (or maybe not luck?) we had some connections to a Bishop in Kamas who put us in touch with a ward who agreed to house us for the night in their ward building. When we got there, we set up our own gigantic slumber party in the gym and...surprise!...another stake girls camp was there already, snowed out of their campground as well. We felt extremely grateful that we had a warm and safe place for our 109 girls and I can't even describe how relieved I was that everybody was going to be ok and that these girls would be going home with all of their fingers and toes, plus an awesome story to tell. (I should take this time to mention that there were quite a few hysterical mothers who were very relieved as well). As we pulled into the parking lot of this stake center, I was overwhelmed with this feeling of relief and peace and I knew that we were in the right place. The Bishop cranked up the heat and the Relief Society president showed up to make all 200 of us hot chocolate while we thawed out.

Later on the next day, the sun started to peek out and most of the snow on the ground was melting, but the temperatures were still cold enough and all of our gear was wet enough that we were worried for the girl's safety for the coming night as well. We found that many tents that we had left up the night before were caved in from the weight of the snow and some had an inch of water sitting at the bottom. I imagined what it would have been like to be up there the previous night and I once again felt so relieved that we were spared that experience. So we decided to pack it in and send the girls home. Someone left this little surprise for us when we went back up to break down camp.



A snowman in June. It reminded me that no matter what obstacles you're up against, it's still ok to let yourself have some fun.

I learned quite a few other lessons from this experience. The first one I seem to learn over and over and over again and that is: never underestimate the Uintah Mountain weather. Those mountains create their own weather and I will say, at the risk of sounding very hippy-ish, I am certain they have their own souls. The hills are alive. How they must laugh at our feeble attempts to brave the elements!

"You think your $800 dollar tent will keep you dry? HA! I will show you what I think of you and your silly little tent!"

And down comes the snow that is so heavy, you can practically drink it. And then down comes the tent.

I also learned the value of listening. Really listening. To yourself, to your leaders, to the spirit. (To your mother). I learned to trust what I have to say and what I have heard whispered to my heart.

I learned that you should Always. Be. Prepared. Those boy scouts have a good thing goin' on with that whole motto. While I was surprisingly comfortable, many were completely miserable. How much easier is life if we just take a few minutes to prepare?

I learned how hard it is to be a leader. Well, I guess I already knew that one, but it was reinforced to me that it is difficult to be one of the people who makes hard calls and who receives the criticism that comes from it. It's usually not a comfortable place for me to be.

Last of all I learned that I have it in me to rise to a challenge. There are so many reasons why I always tell myself that I am not up for challenges; I am too weak, too sick, too afraid. But the reality is that I CAN do difficult things, make difficult decisions and let those decisions take their course. What's even more surprising is that I am OK with it. Even with all of the negative comments toward us about how we didn't prepare and warn everyone, how we should not have gone through with it and so on...I can just let it go. It seriously doesn't bother me! How awesome is that!?! I know we did the best that we could and while hind sight is 20/20, all we can do in the moment is make a decision and go for it, come rain or shine (or snow).

From Soccer Mom to Stalker Mom

I loved it when my boys were all babies.  I was their whole world and I held that world in the palm of my little hand. I fed them, I bathed them, I colored with them. I played Pokemon, Legos and Thomas the Train. I drove them to play dates, to the zoo, to Grandma's house and watched them swat mosquitoes on the little league outfield and get kicked in the shins playing soccer. I was a good little soccer mom, too. I always brought the best treats...none of this "carrot stick and string cheese" business. It was all sugar, all the time! Yeah!

And then they became teenagers.

Not only did their world get considerably bigger, I became a little teeny tiny dot on the map. Now my days are filled with anxiety and questions. "Why isn't he home? Why hasn't he called yet? Did he remember his wallet? Is he too tired to drive? Did he run out of gas? I hope he wore his seat belt. Oh dear, I bet he's been in an accident. I'm sure he's unconscious on the road somewhere. Should I just peek at the iPhone locator one more time to see where he is?"

And then it hits me. I have become a stalker mom. An obsessive compulsive, control freak who is gripped with panic when her children are not in her sight. I'm THAT mom. The one who still tells them to be careful crossing the street. The one who has the phone number of every friend her kids have ever had so I can track them down if I ever needed to. The one who sends her sons on a scout camp with a whole set of luggage filled with thermals and extra socks after giving them a firm lecture on staying with the camp and not leaving food in their tent. I swear to you that I am one step away from implanting a monitor on the back of their necks like in Ender's Game.

To all of those moms out there with married kids and empty nests I ask: how do you do it? How do you let go and release your babies into the world where they can live their own lives and learn things the hard way? It seems impossible. I admit that I am struggling more than just a bit. But at the same time I think of myself at their age; my whole life ahead of me, full of promise. Most of the time I felt confident in my ability to navigate the world around me. So why can't I let them enjoy the same freedom?

I can think of a couple of people in my life who were and are still really good at letting their children be their own person. (Yes, Mom and Dad - I'm talking about you). They listen, they give advice only when asked and most of all, they let us fall down once in a while and we become stronger for it.

But it's just so difficult. It's this urge I have; this dang maternal instinct that tells me to wrap them in their blankies and rock them to sleep. It's powerful; it's overwhelming; it makes me wanna roar like a mamma bear. But I am beginning to understand the important role I have in raising resilient children who can problem-solve and be responsible adults. I literally have to bite my tongue most of the time to restrain the outpouring of advice that will surely spew from my mouth whenever my kids come up against an obstacle, either large or small, but I am trying, dang it!

And so I keep trying. To let them be their own person, to let them fail (or not fail) and to just let them find out if they can do some things for themselves.

But most of all to NOT be the reason they wind up in therapy. :)

Regret

I sit before you a changed woman.  My youngest is now officially in school.

There are no more babies in my house.  I know I put on a good show the other day about how excited I was, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.  But I take it back.  I sent Abby into class today (where she quite willingly went) and then walked home by myself to an empty house.  Yes, I cried just a little, right before I wandered around aimlessly, followed by a glassy-eyed stare out the window.  At this point I decided I better do something productive, so I rearranged my furniture, which is really just a way for me to assert my control over one aspect of my life because I feel like I've lost control over another.  See?  I am learning something in therapy.

Three hours later I was walking myself back to the school, ten minutes early.  I chatted nonchalantly with another mom while I was stealing glances at the Kindergarten door every thirty seconds.  Abby walked out a few minutes later with the biggest smile on her little face.  "Mommy!" she giggled and ran to me for a hug.  We walked hand-in-hand back to our house while she talked about the day's adventures and I realized something--I really shouldn't wish it away too soon.  And I won't.  I will cherish this time with her because there is one thing I can live without: regret.

I'm trying

I'm trying.

I really am.

But sometimes I get tired of trying and it just seems easier to give up.

For example:  I have been trying to go to sleep for the past hour, but I just gave up.  It was easier, you know?  Shawn is a snorer and I have found ways to cope with that.  Earplugs are now my best friends.  But he recently developed a new sleep disorder in which he randomly and unconsciously jerks his legs around while he is sleeping thus eliminating all chances of me falling blissfully into slumber myself.  I'm sure there is a name for this condition.  Doctors love to do that.  They assign names to the weird things our bodies do so we can have some validation that there is indeed something wrong with us, but alas, there is probably nothing we can do about it.  But thanks for asking, please pay your copay on the way out and have a nice day.

In a lot of ways this little story is an analogy of life.  My life.  I try and I try, but sometimes feel like there is no hope of success.  I would rather go around that mountain in front of me instead of climbing it.  But then I remember that I won't be able to see the view from the summit if I don't do the climb.  And at that point it's possible that I might break into song---Julie Andrews, NOT Miley Cyrus, just so you know.

Where was I?  Oh ya.  Climbing mountains.  Being tired.  So maybe it's time I sat down on the trail to catch my breath.  I'll get over the sleep problem, but other problems seem particularly difficult at the moment.  So I'll take a break, unload some of my burden and ask for help.  Because we have guides, right?  People around us ready to take our hands and help us up.  And one thing is for sure;  I am not the only one on this mountain.  And I won't be the only one at the summit.

So I keep on walking.

Drum roll please....

Shawn passed the NCLEX last week!

HALLELUJAH!

And he has a job!  I was a little worried about that part, to be honest, because I have heard a lot of people tell me how difficult it is for new nurses to find work.  Maybe that's true, I don't know, but Shawn didn't seem to have a hard time.  He has been working for a pharmaceutical research company as an assistant for about a month and they just offered him a full-time position as a nurse.  He is very excited and is already working on several different studies about Alzheimers, sciatic pain and such.  He doesn't think he will stay at this particular setting forever since he really wants to do hospital nursing, but it's a foot in the door and will be valuable experience for him.

The rest of us are breathing a big sigh of relief and are having our own little celebration that we finally have the REAL Shawn back in our lives.  The fun-loving and happy Shawn who has been scarce the past while.  I am so happy for him and just bursting with pride at how he stuck through every challenge and overcame every obstacle (and believe me -- there were many) that he came upon.  It's amazing how much stress can negatively impact your emotional well-being, your spirituality and your health.  The past several years have been hard for everyone.  I feel like we've climbed a mountain and now we are finally at the summit.  I know we will have many more to climb in our life, but for now --

we are just going to sit back and enjoy the view.

words of wisdom

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." ~ Plato

Do the limbo

limbo  n.
1.  A state or place of confinement.
2.  An intermediate stage.
3.  A dance from West India that is freaky, but disturbingly genius.

Or we could submit a new definition:
4.  My life in a nutshell.

So Shawn didn't pass his first attempt at the dreaded NCLEX, otherwise known as "the most ridiculous test in history".  Seriously, why can't it just be a straightforward measure of a person's knowledge and aptitude for nursing?  Why all the trickery, chicanery and shenanigans?  For cryin' out loud people spend thousands of dollars on their education, then turn around and spend hundreds more taking entire courses dedicated to passing this test;  teaching you how to navigate your way through the silliness so you can find the one little key word that will magically tell you which answer is "most correct".

Guaranteed you'll pass or your money back!

Needless to say, Shawn didn't take that extra course two months ago.  Looking back, (insert sarcasm) we believe it was an unwise decision.

So here we go again, another 45 days of studying, crying, not sleeping and generally banging our heads against the wall.  And taking a course that is guaranteed (or your money back) to make you feel stupid, just in case your experience in nursing school didn't already take care of that.

In limbo.  In between stages.  Not feeling like there is a place in life where we fit.  Just going through the motions and getting on each other's nerves.  I suppose I should use this as a learning experience.  You know...try to find the lesson, learn from it, lean into  it.

But I really just want to fling it out the window.

Ok enough complaining.  I will stop complaining for a moment.  The complaining part of this post is now over.  On to looking on the brighter side of things, like it's now February and you know what that means don't you?

That January is over!!  And spring is coming!!

Ahhhh...spring.  It makes me happy inside just hearing the word.  Knowing it's right around the next corner.  It feels me with all sorts of giddiness and gives me this sudden urge to play in the dirt.  It also means that the kids will actually go outside to play once in a while instead of parking their butts in front of an endless stream of Netflix cartoons or video games.  Yes, spring is awesome.  It's all trampolines and tulips and bunny rabbits.  It's the host of all my favorite holidays (except Halloween, of course) and it represents, to me, a new start and a new life.  A chance to begin again.

And to quit doing the limbo. :)

....sigh....

I try to be upbeat on this blog most of the time.  I really do.  Because who wants to read about all my problems?  Nobody, that's who.  But sometimes a person just gets to the point when venting is necessary.  So if you prefer not to keep my misery company, then you might want to leave this blog and go to your happy place.  Otherwise known as Pinterest.

Do you ever have those mornings where getting out of bed and facing life is just so difficult?  I have those mornings more frequently than I care to divulge at the moment, but today is one of those days.  I am weary.  I miss parts of my life in the past that in retrospect seemed to be free of worry.  Sometimes I start to feel sorry for myself, with all of our problems and stresses, and I wish I had that part of my life back.  But sometimes it's the little things that really set us off.  Like my dryer.  I want it back.  It died on us a week ago and I have been doing laundry one load a day and then hanging it all over my house and across a sad little line strung across my family room.  One load a day is not sufficient when your family has six people in it and four of them are adult sized.  It seems like such a piddly thing to complain about really, compared to the other challenges we are facing, but believe me when I say that it feels like the last straw.  Do we have the money to fix it?  No.  It could have at least had the decency to last until May when it would be warm enough to hang outside.  But nooooo.  The middle of winter is a much better time for a dryer to kick the bucket.

I know what you're thinking;  stop complaining because it could always be worse.  I agree.  A few days after the untimely death of the dryer, we had a lady we know stay at our house for a few hours while her kids were in school.  Her and her family were just evicted from their home and they are living at a homeless shelter.  She takes the bus with her kids at 6 in the morning every day to take them to school because she doesn't want them to have to switch schools in the middle of the year.  She told me that it's the only stable thing in their lives right now and she won't take it away from them.  While they are at school, she finds some place to wait for them and then takes the bus with them back to their temporary home.  After she left, Shawn and I just looked at each other and I know we were thinking the same thing:  it could always be worse.  Could it be a coincidence that she came at a moment in my life when I was acting particularly ungrateful and spoiled?  Maybe.  But I know that night we thanked God for our home, for the means to feed our family and for the relative stability we enjoy at this moment.

Perspective is everything, wouldn't you agree?

Puking, preschool, and other tales

So guess what?  Abby started preschool like two weeks ago and I'm just now posting a picture of her.  

Bad Mommy!

But isn't she just so cute?  I've never put my kids into preschool this young before, but let me tell ya...she needs this like she needs food.  And I need it like I need air!  Those three hours have got to be the fastest three hours of my life.  We both absolutely love it.

Life continues to be so full of adventures for us.  Yes, I'm attempting to be optimistic by calling them "adventures".  I won't make a list of them, but I will tell you one little story.  It will make you laugh, I promise.

A few days ago I woke up feeling kind of sick.  Like the throw-up kind of sick.  As the morning went on I felt worse and worse until I came to the point that all I could do was lay on my bed and feel very sorry for myself.  Abby, of course, did not understand why I couldn't play tea party or construct a Barbie universe with her, so I attempted to distract her.  I had her lay on my bed with me and play my iPod.  I downloaded probably 5 or 6 different free kids games for her during those few hours and let her play to her heart's content.  She is just old enough that she can navigate through them fairly well and it gave me a few moments of peace.  Well...you know how when you put your password in to download something, it remains active for 15 minutes and after that you have to re-enter it to download something new?  Well, 15 minutes is a long time when in the hands of a 3 year old.  Later that night I received an email from iTunes with a receipt for my recent purchases.  "Funny...", I thought.  "I don't recall making any actual purchases."  I scrolled a little farther down the screen and sat there stunned as I read the dollar amount of these purchases...... 

$128.20

Apparently, while I was groaning with my head in the toilet, little Miss Abby was busy purchasing in-app content with my credit card.  Yes, you could say that I learned a few lessons:  

First, always make sure that in-app purchases are restricted.  Even when you think you are oh-so-smart and are convinced that you have already done this.  Check again.  Especially when handing over control to a toddler.  

Second, never hand over control to a toddler.

I immediately e-mailed iTunes, the people who made the app, the National Guard, and the president of the United States.  I gave them my sob story and they reluctantly agreed to refund my money "just this once".  I was grateful that they even did that much for me, considering that this was completely my own stinkin' fault.  However, I am glad they could see the logic behind my case--why on earth would I download a free kids app and then proceed to spend over $100 on content?  Ya, it doesn't make sense.  I felt rather stupid about it, actually.  I hate those "duh" moments as a parent.  But the good news is that they teach us the greatest lessons.  Well...

lesson learned.  :)